My Weekend: A Pictorial (Part 3)

On Saturday Fort Leavenworth was having their biannual post wide yard sale. That is why my in-laws came out, to help me sell my crap. While the yard sale was going on Judy and I cleaned out the garage. I went from 18 small rubbermade containers to 8 and from 4 large rubbermade containers to 3. Their were many many trash bags of stuff (mainly clothing and paper) either taken to goodwill or recycled. While we were in the garage as the day warmed up it began to smell like dead creature. I thought for sure a mouse, squirrel, or other small animal had been locked in their and died. Judy went about looking for it when I opened the freezer up and found the smell. Now, I don't normally keep much in there, usually only frozen waffles, pizza, or ice. I had thought it was empty from last winter when my mom lost power at her house for days and brought all of her stuff to my freezer. I had assumed Green had taken everything out as per her request. I assumed wrong.

At some point this summer we must have lost power or someone left the door to the freezer open for awhile, something had to have happened. There were tubes of ground sausage that had gone bad, expanded, and then exploded all over my freezer. The smell was the nasty sausage that had dripped blood and oozed out all over the freezer. Thankfully Judy took on that task as I was still cleaning and going through everything in the garage. I am not sure I could have stood the smell enough to clean it out. She bleached the freezer after it had defrosted and then turned it back on with baking soda in it. It smells much much better, you can hardly tell the bloody massacre that it once had been.

At the yard sale I sold my couch, chair, and ottoman set for $100. The woman tried to barter with me at 8am, I told her no way it was too early for that. After it had been sold, as the day went on, I wished I had put at least $150 on it. Everyone was amazed I sold it for that price, it was only 2 yrs old and looked like it had no wear at all. I also sold the table set that went with it for $25 and wished I hadn't been so cheap. Oh well, it is all gone and not in my garage anymore. That's the most important thing, I can now park there this winter. I also sold a bunch of other things, I ended up making about $200 that day.




All of the baby stuff is going to Jason and Rosy's house. Once that is out I will be able to park in there again. Last winter I could park in there, but their were containers stacked on either side toward the end of the garage. Now there are only the three at the very end of the garage and then some more near the door to the house. I am very happy about what all we accomplished this past weekend. Even though we felt like we died every evening, I don't think we stayed up much past 10pm any night this weekend.

I miss....

I miss having a clean house every day. (But not enough to get my lazy butt off the couch apparently)

I miss not having to leave my house if I didn't want to. (But not enough to want to home school)

I miss having my husband's help. (3 more months until he's home for a visit)

I miss my husband. (That should have been a given, but I didn't realize just how much I would miss HIM)

I miss the time when all I needed to buy my children was clothing, food, and toys. (But I am glad they are in school)

I miss SLEEP! (But not enough to give Delilah back)

I miss when my biggest worry for my kids was if they feel and hurt themselves. (Instead of worrying about who their friends are, if they are having a good time at school, or worse)

I miss a time when our house was half as full of junk. (But not half the children that caused the junk coming into the house)

I miss not having to get up at 7am every single morning. (But not enough to home school)

I am full of contradictions today (most days). I want this but without having to do that. Some days I want life to be easy, but then it might be boring. I am just not sure what's up with me this last few days. I am hoping it's just the gloomy weather. It's been cloudy, gray, and rainy for three days now and will remain this way all weekend. It sucks. I wanted to start walking in the morning today, but it was raining steadily and I couldn't. I have also been very lonely since Judy left. I know she drives me crazy, but not having another adult in the house makes me sad. I am going to try and pull out of this funk by Monday. Of course having not much money hasn't helped my mood any, I am not used to being so restrained.

Aidan also was having a bit of trouble in school this week, trouble keeping her hands to herself. When the teacher told me I felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach. I talked to her and my mom talked to her and she seems to be keeping it together. I know she gets teased a little for being tiny, it was the same way for me in school. BUT it's not an excuse or reason to ever put her hands on someone else. So I explained that to her and told her other kids won't want to be friends with her if she hurts them, I think that's the one that got through to her. She loves having friends. But it still sucks that I have to have a conversation with her about this. I am not sure where she gets it from, we rarely spank (once in a blue moon) and it's never a punishment for hitting, normally it's used for dangerous situations (doesn't happen that often). Plus Lilly and Sophia don't hit, never have. I firmly believe the reason Aidan hits is because she was in daycare from 18mths to 24mths, when they learn that behavior. Still not an excuse, but I think that's why she hits and Lilly and Sophia don't. Lilly was only in daycare from 4-4 1/2 and Sophia has never gone. Aidan was always getting bit and pushed by the other toddlers, that's one of the big reasons I quit college the second time. That and they were getting so sick all the time. I wish I had never left them, it's one of my mommy guilts I have been hanging onto all these years.

Maybe it's because Kale is gone, I don't know but I don't like it. My mom is researching different consequences that would be appropriate and is trying to find books for her to read about bullying. We will see if she continues or if we have to try something new with her. I don't want her to be disliked and I don't want other parents looking at her or I with disgust. Wish me luck, I may need it.

New Teachers, Luck (Good or Bad) or Fate?

Aidan has the teacher we asked for, Mrs. Z. Lilly had her for the second half of first grade, when we moved from MA. I like her a lot and Lilly loved her (still hugs her everyday on her way to her classroom). I am hoping this is a good fit for Aidan. Mostly I already know what to expect homework wise and all of that jazz. I am not good with surprises.

Lilly has Mrs. F who I went to school with from 4th grade until graduation. We weren't friends, but she was never mean to me either. We come from similar backgrounds, both of our mothers are teachers and we were middle class. A lot of her friends were rich and bitchy. But they had all gone to school together from kindergarten on up. It was hard for me to get worked in when everyone had been friends since kindergarten. I didn't like it one bit and while I was popular and outgoing before moving, I became very shy and reserved after moving.

I found out she was a teacher at the girl's school when Lilly was in 2nd Grade. I kind of avoided her, that's the shy person still living inside of me. We didn't even speak until Aidan and her son Ty were in the same class last year. And according to Aidan they were "in love". He is a cutie and he adores her to pieces. Even still it wasn't until Fun in the Sun day before we even spoke and that was the end of the year. And now I am going to have to deal with her on a daily basis. I handled it well in my opinion. I didn't even panic when I saw Lilly's name under hers. I knew it was going to be like that, I just knew it. I even knew it would happen like this last year when I thought about Lilly going into fourth grade. It will be okay, at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Can you tell I am one big social mess? I feel like that 9 year old girl again, going into a new class in the middle of the school year. Not knowing anyone and feeling left out. I hate that about myself. I hate having panic attacks before I go places alone where there are other adults I have to socialize with.

To look on the bright side, Lilly's BFF V is in her class again. And Aidan's "love" is in her class again. Lilly will be fine, she always is, she is a brown noser. I know that's kind of mean to say, but it's true. Teachers are her favorite people. Aidan I am a little worried about, she is a wild card. She is a free spirit and is very hard to tame. No one knows this more than I. I am hoping that I am worrying for nothing, I pray I am.

Depression has set in....

RePost- Sorry Marie

I need to snap out of it, I am not liking the way I am feeling this week. It doesn't help I have forgotten to take my anti-depressants more often than I have remembered to. Plus my children are done with summer and want to go back to school. If only they realized I wish for that more than they do. I have been having an extremely bad case of the bad mommies these past few days. I have lost my patience more often that not. I hate yelling at them, but when you ask and ask and ask again, yelling seems like the only viable option left. Fighting has been the biggest issue, mostly between the oldest two. My next biggest complaint is noise. They cannot play quietly EVER. While I don't expect them to be quiet 100% of the time, there are times when I need peace. I have taken to staying up way too late, which then makes me grumpier.

I told Kale I hate him yesterday. I don't mean it, but I am angry that I am alone and last night he went to dinner with a bunch of important people. It's not his fault, I know it, but I can't help feeling jipped. It's been hard these past three days to hold myself together and not break down. But last night I did, I cried like a baby. I hate crying, it leaves my nose stuffy and my eyes puffy. I also think of it as a weakness and I don't like feeling weak. My mom is out of town until Friday, so I can't talk to her or have her help. Plus she is dealing with a lot right now. Her school is moving to a new building and they expect her to move everything alone. I also don't like her seeing me like this, until recently she didn't know I was even taking anti-depressants. I hide a lot of my true feeling from my family and friends, usually Kale is the only one who knows what I am feeling. It sucks for him to have to deal with me alone, but I don't want our family and friends to think I am weak.

I really NEED to get over this by Saturday. It's Lilly's 9th Birthday and I need to be good mommy. We aren't doing her special day until August 2nd, but we will have the family party on her b-day, I ordered the cake today. I guess I am doing somethings right. I really begin to feel better when I get small things done, like the dishes or the laundry. One positive thing happened on Tuesday, Rosy came over to drop Alan off to me, I am watching him for a few hours all week. Well she came early and she was either bored or sick of my pile of clean laundry. She.Folded.It.ALL! Then last night when they came to get him (he stayed longer than they had said he would) they brought me a piece of Linda's Fudge Cake from Cheesecake Factory, I needed it. I also finished it, which doesn't help my fat butt any, considering it's 33 weight watcher points. Why can't I be one of those people that can't eat while they are depressed? Instead I am an "eats chocolate until she is sick" depressant.

I have tried to keep my depressed mood off my blog, but I can't right now. I will snap out of it this weekend, when my mom gets home, my van is done, and my kids are busy being with other people. Sunday Lilly heads to camp #2 for 6 nights and Aidan heads to Chicago with my parents for 3 nights. It will just be Sophia, Delilah, and I, it will be glorious. Then I will have one week before school starts and that week they are taking dance for 2hrs each afternoon Mon-Thurs. My mood is picking up a little already at the thought of school beginning. Things will get better, I know it.

Something Different

I decided to post something other than the remainder of my 4th of July pictures today. I mean my kids are cute, but even I get sick of looking at them all the time. :P

I was thinking about my previous "lives" today. I feel as if my life is lived in increments. First there was my childhood, then my teenage years, then the few years after high school, then the three years we lived in KY, then the three years of hell spent in MA, and then there is the present. Each time I think about these different periods of time I think of myself as a different person. Really each period I was a different person. I had a different life each place.

When Kale and I were living in KY just the three of us, I was happy. We didn't have much money and the only places we went for vacation were our parents houses, but we were happy. We had a couple that we hung out with regularly, they were our age, and she was pregnant when we met. After a few months though it all turned sour. We found out he was abusing her mentally and emotionally. He would not let her spend any money, not even on personal items like pads or razors, she had to use his used razors and his parents gave her gift cards to Walmart for other items. After I found out about this I encouraged her to leave him and she did. But she always came back. We got the chain of command involved, but his dad was a very influential retiree in their field of work and was able to get them moved to a new post. It was sad and I often think of her and how she is doing. I know he got out of the Army because he was being investigated for his spousal abuse and I know they are living back in Alabama. Other than that I don't know anything more. Other than that and a few other small newly wed issues our first four years of marriage flew by. We only needed each other to be happy. I wasn't homesick or lonely at all.

When we found out we were going to recruiting we were worried. We had heard horror stories, but were optimistic we could come though his tour unscathed. Boy were we wrong. It started with our duty station, Kale had an in who was going to get us into Orlando for assignment. Unfortunately he had a family emergency that forced him out of the office the day they made the assignments. The FL and KS areas were closed to us, Kale was neither African American or Hispanic, so to the northeast we were sent. At first I was not happy, but then I turned around and determined I would make the best of it. It was far away from everyone, but closer to my grandparents. Plus I had never seen Boston or NYC and I would be close enough to go to both. They told Kale that he would be able to do his job while grocery shopping with me or doing family things with us.

Yeah, they lied. They lied about everything. It pretty much sucked the entire first year. Our marriage nearly didn't survive. I almost didn't survive. Until I met K and started hanging out with her I really wasn't sure I was going to stay. She kind of saved my marriage/life. I was very down before we became friends. We started taking trips around MA and the area, going to zoos, the Yankee Candle Factory Outlet, NYC to Ikea, Ikea in CT, she introduced me to Ikea and I am disappointed now I am not near one. We did a lot of shopping, since the only positive factor about being on recruiting duty is the extra pay, it did not make up for all the bad factors however. Really the only thing that kept me semi sane other than K was shopping. It was hard adjusting when we moved back here.

Now that we are back in KS I am back to being a daughter on a daily basis. And a sister, aunt, sister-in-law, and friend I hadn't been these things in years. I love being here with my family, but part of me would like to go some where alone again as a family, like we were in KY. We need to start taking trips as a family again, without all the extra people in our lives. Don't get me wrong, I love being with our families, but it would be nice to be just us again.

In My Dreams

In my dreams...

I want to look like this again.......
And I would like a new one of these to replace the one I lost...

Can you guess which will happen first?