He's Gone, Again....

It's harder this time around. I am alone with the girls this time around. My entire family is out of town right now, parents in Chicago, brother in Mexico. It's just harder this time. Before I had Judy here to keep my mind busy and the first two months I went non-stop from activity to activity. It also doesn't help that it's winter right now and I haven't been going out as much before he arrived.

His visit was wonderful, but far too short and went by far too fast. We had barely a day to sit and do nothing. We had two family portrait sessions in two weeks. Three family dinners in two weeks. One dinner out alone,a dinner out with my family, and a dinner out with just his family. We also had Christmas Eve dinner at my parents house and Christmas dinner here at our house. Both dinners were delicious. The girls received way too many presents from everyone. We had Lilly's play to go to and Kale spent a day volunteering at the school. We had a morning of baking with the kids, Meme, and Judy. The women went out shopping the morning after Christmas. Kale took the girls to the movies twice they saw Bolt and The Tale of Despereaux. It was a busy busy two weeks but it was a happy two weeks.

Thankfully Delilah and Sophia are better. Delilah hated her meds and they had to be force fed to her or hidden in food. FUN! She has also not regained her appetite as of yet. Hopefully she will get it back soon.


I leave you with our second family photo shoot:

Kale, David, and Judy

In-Laws David and Judy

Delilah didn't want to hold still but sat still when we sat her on the sled.

Sophia and her silly smile.

Aidan's sillier smile.

Lilly

This isn't the best one of the four of them, but it's the funniest.

Four generations of Kale's family. His Dad David and his grandma Margaret aka Nanny.

12 Days and Counting.....

Very, very soon Kale will be back, the 16th to be exact. He gets in at 11pm that night and I am picking him up myself. Green has volunteered to come over and sit with the sleeping children. The girls don't know exactly when he is arriving, just that it's soon and before Christmas. Lilly will be very excited he will be able to attend her Christmas musical on the 17th.

-------------------------------------------------

Black Friday

As is the tradition for the women in my family we went shopping on Black Friday. Green was kind enough to spend the night on my couch and "take care of" (be the adult in the house just in case) the older three girls. Rosy insisted I leave Delilah with Jason and Alan, I wasn't going to argue. I am just glad for my brother that she went straight back to sleep after I dropped her off at 4:40am. As always I have to be the first one up that morning because I am the driver and I have to pick everyone up. I picked Rosy up, dropped Delilah off, and picked Patience up. It's really not bad, I live 10mins from Rosy, Patience lives across the street from Rosy, and then it's 5mins to my mom's from there.

We went to Walmart first, arriving just before the doors opened. There was a line formed all the way around the outside of the store. We joined at the very end and it took us about 15mins to get inside. It was very cold that morning, only 20 degrees. Rosy was not ready for that, this was her first time getting up at the crack of dawn to join us. She went the years before, but after 8am usually. My mom bought her 50" Plasma TV my dad wanted, Rosy bought a trampoline, Meme picked up some gifts for the girls, Stella bought shampoo and nail polish remover (we teased her about this), Patience bought toys for her grandson Matthew, and I bought pj's and toys for the girls. My mom got right through the line and took the tv home while we shopped and stood in line. Patience and I didn't take too long in our line. We had a nice older lady in front of us and she was not letting a line jumper in our line. It was very funny to watch her tell him no he couldn't "squeeze in". Other than that we didn't see any arguments. After I got through the line I went to keep Rosy company, it took her awhile to get into line since they had to find a flatbed cart for her trampoline, that sucker was heavy. I couldn't even lift one end. It took us and hour to get through her line to pay. Then the worker loaded it in the van and we had to take it to her house or nothing else would fit.

We didn't get out of town (out of walmart) until 7:30am, then we headed to north KC. We spent another hour at Toys R Us. Then Kohl's, Target, lunch at Applebee's, and Old Navy. We were home about 3:30pm. I found Green as I left him, sleeping on my couch. The girls were dressed and had been fed, he woke up long enough to handle that much. It's a good thing Lilly is older and can take care of things. Delilah gave Jason a run for his money, she and Alan like to fight. There was an incident with Alan's poopy diaper and her grabbing it and flinging the poop everywhere. We laughed our butt's off at that one when he called to share. All and all it was a fun day, I wasn't sure I would be able to go this year and I am thankful my family stepped up to the plate to help out.

---------------------------------------------
The Days Ahead

We have a ton planned for when Kale is here. It's going to be a whirlwind visit, I think our heads will be spinning by then end of the trip.

17th: Trim the Tree, Family Picture (ENTIRE Family, all 14 of us), Lilly's Musical
18th: Delilah and I have doctors appointments at 1pm
19th: My parents are watching the girls and we are going out to dinner ALONE/Jason, Rosy, and Alan leave for Mexico and won't return until the 5th of Jan.
20th: Kale is taking the older three to see Bolt
21st: Kale's b-day dinner (his b-day was 11/22) at Famous Dave's with our extended family
22nd: Painting Sophia's room white again and switching her room and Delilah's
23rd: Kale's parents and Nanny arrive/We will go out alone again
24th: Christmas at my parents with everyone
25th: Christmas of course/plus Kale and his dad are taking the older three to Tale of Despereaux/Judy and I are making dinner/My mom and the teens are coming over for dinner
26th: Probably family pictures with Kale's family (since Judy all of the sudden after 5 years decided she wants to get it done professionally again, AFTER she has said numerous times that regular snapshots are good enough)/My parents and the teens leave for Chicago
27th: His family leaves
28th: Not sure yet
29th: He leaves at 6pm :(

The only positive thing about Jason, Rosy, and Alan being in Mexico for Christmas is that they are letting Kale's family stay at their house. That way we aren't cramped here and they don't have to spend money on a hotel. Otherwise it sucks, we will miss them like we do every year.

I may be hit and miss again during all of this. I have been very lazy, bored, and tired lately.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

No One Told Me....

First I would like to apologize for my foul language in my last two posts. I was typing so fast and furious I didn't even attempt to *** out some of the letters. While I do have a potty mouth, I know when and where it is appropriate to use.

Back to normal now....

No one told me just how hard this really was going to be. I cried last night on the phone with Kale, telling him just how hard it was and how upset I am that it's only 1/4 of the way over. I have been a mess this week. It's pretty bad when I am crying in my van when Gavin Rossdale's Love Remains the Same or Secondhand Serenade's Fall for You comes on the radio. -If you haven't heard either you should check them out, they are really good songs.-

I think my kids are handling this better than I am. I was fine the first couple of months, then school started and I have been home all day bored, just thinking of him. I am not having trouble dealing with the kids or dealing with the house. It's just the loneliness of it. I have not been apart from Kale for more than a month since I was 18, that's 10 years of being together. In February we will have been married for 10 years, he says he's finally going to buy me a big rock. :P But I have to wait until he comes back in June, he wants to be there with me when I pick it out.

I think it's the silence at night that bothers me most. He's been really good about calling me twice a day and emailing me everyday. I am happy when he calls, but I become even more sad when we have to hang up. It was easier for me in the beginning when I was so busy, but it was harder for him. At that time we didn't know that he can use state to state calling cards, which are WAY cheaper than the international ones he was using. I was also always busy and missed his calls often. He will have internet in his house again mid-Oct. and then it will be a little cheaper to talk. And I can talk to him all night long. Since he left my typing has improved, I was pretty good before, but now I am so much better.

In other news I have now lost nearly 15 pounds! I am excited. I am going to start walking to the school and back to pick up the girls on nice days, it's probably a 2-4 mile walk both ways. That will help. The "happy pills" have been helping to keep me away from sweets. I eat only what I need and I have even cut back to two 8oz pepsi's a day. I already drink a lot of water, so that's not a problem. I also started taking a multi vitamin to help with energy.

Well, my weekend is pretty busy. Lilly and Aidan both have parties to attend and on Sunday we are all going to the Renaissance Festival. It's been a beautiful week and it's supposed to continue for the weekend.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Something Different

I decided to post something other than the remainder of my 4th of July pictures today. I mean my kids are cute, but even I get sick of looking at them all the time. :P

I was thinking about my previous "lives" today. I feel as if my life is lived in increments. First there was my childhood, then my teenage years, then the few years after high school, then the three years we lived in KY, then the three years of hell spent in MA, and then there is the present. Each time I think about these different periods of time I think of myself as a different person. Really each period I was a different person. I had a different life each place.

When Kale and I were living in KY just the three of us, I was happy. We didn't have much money and the only places we went for vacation were our parents houses, but we were happy. We had a couple that we hung out with regularly, they were our age, and she was pregnant when we met. After a few months though it all turned sour. We found out he was abusing her mentally and emotionally. He would not let her spend any money, not even on personal items like pads or razors, she had to use his used razors and his parents gave her gift cards to Walmart for other items. After I found out about this I encouraged her to leave him and she did. But she always came back. We got the chain of command involved, but his dad was a very influential retiree in their field of work and was able to get them moved to a new post. It was sad and I often think of her and how she is doing. I know he got out of the Army because he was being investigated for his spousal abuse and I know they are living back in Alabama. Other than that I don't know anything more. Other than that and a few other small newly wed issues our first four years of marriage flew by. We only needed each other to be happy. I wasn't homesick or lonely at all.

When we found out we were going to recruiting we were worried. We had heard horror stories, but were optimistic we could come though his tour unscathed. Boy were we wrong. It started with our duty station, Kale had an in who was going to get us into Orlando for assignment. Unfortunately he had a family emergency that forced him out of the office the day they made the assignments. The FL and KS areas were closed to us, Kale was neither African American or Hispanic, so to the northeast we were sent. At first I was not happy, but then I turned around and determined I would make the best of it. It was far away from everyone, but closer to my grandparents. Plus I had never seen Boston or NYC and I would be close enough to go to both. They told Kale that he would be able to do his job while grocery shopping with me or doing family things with us.

Yeah, they lied. They lied about everything. It pretty much sucked the entire first year. Our marriage nearly didn't survive. I almost didn't survive. Until I met K and started hanging out with her I really wasn't sure I was going to stay. She kind of saved my marriage/life. I was very down before we became friends. We started taking trips around MA and the area, going to zoos, the Yankee Candle Factory Outlet, NYC to Ikea, Ikea in CT, she introduced me to Ikea and I am disappointed now I am not near one. We did a lot of shopping, since the only positive factor about being on recruiting duty is the extra pay, it did not make up for all the bad factors however. Really the only thing that kept me semi sane other than K was shopping. It was hard adjusting when we moved back here.

Now that we are back in KS I am back to being a daughter on a daily basis. And a sister, aunt, sister-in-law, and friend I hadn't been these things in years. I love being here with my family, but part of me would like to go some where alone again as a family, like we were in KY. We need to start taking trips as a family again, without all the extra people in our lives. Don't get me wrong, I love being with our families, but it would be nice to be just us again.

The most boring last day...ever.

We did very little. Ran errands most of the day. We did drive out to KC to get Kale his last dessert before leaving. He wanted Cheesecake Factory, no complaints here. Mom came over and had dessert with us. Lele and Green came a little later and just left. We had fun just hanging out looking at old pictures. Before we went to KC Jason, Rosy, and Alan came over to say goodbye. We are taking him to the airport at 8am tomorrow morning. Hopefully Delilah will sleep tonight. She FINALLY started crawling forward today, she had been getting around by rolling and going backwards for a month. Plus she mastered getting from her tummy to a sitting position before she learned to crawl forward. Now she is trying to climb. It won't be long and she will be caught up to Alan.

Other than that it's been very boring today. I will be a mess tomorrow morning after he leaves. But then I will have to get over it and go to a rodeo. We are entering Aidan in the kids calf scramble, I have no idea what that is, but I am sure she will have fun doing it. Lilly's too old and Sophia's too young.

Maybe we will walk tomorrow, I found out after I ate half of my cake that it has 1360 calories and 51 grams of fat. SCARY! I won't be eating that very often. Thanks to everyone for their good thoughts and prayers. We will be fine (most days) and for the bad days I can vent here.

Have a good Friday!

The End is Near...

We have very few days left as a two parent household and I? Am terrified. The first month isn't so scary, I am going to be with my in-laws the entire month. The second month scares me a little more, I am not used to sleeping alone in my house and I? Don't like to. I doubt I will sleep much this next year. When school starts is when I will really be a mess. Getting up every weekday at 7am, getting all four kids ready & out the door by 7:50am, having to pick the girls up at 3:15pm every weekday. Girl Scouts, field trips, school functions, sports, all of this scares me to death. I am most worried about losing it on my kids, it happened a couple of times when we were in MA and I am so not proud of those moments. I don't like yelling at them, but sometimes you are just so frustrated you can't even think and the only way to get their attention is to scream. I still don't like myself that way. Before we moved to MA, I NEVER had a moment like that.

As the days fly by I will be growing more and more stressed out and worried. I know I will have my good days and my bad ones, I just hope when it is all over with I will have little to none of those not so proud of myself days.

Losing my Mind

It's not unusual for me to forget, like I forgot Wordless Wednesday...Again. I guess with four kids, two of them having extremely busy schedules, I am entitled to forgetting things now and again. Especially since our calender has only gotten busier as the month winds down. Next week alone they have something on three of the four and a half days of school. Our "city" is being awarded with an All Star City award for the schools National Anthem Project last fall. The kids all made a human flag that looked as if it were waving and sang the National Anthem and other patriotic songs. Then that same day they have the school picnic. Wednesday is Fun in the Sun day (we called it field day in my school), plus Delilah has a doctor appointment, Aidan had an eye appointment that we have rescheduled three times now due to conflicts at school. Thursday is the school skating party and Kale's going away dinner. So that basically sucks ass, I have to convince my mom or Lele to take the girls skating, so we can go to the dinner. I don't think they will mind, but you never know. If not I may be able to get my aunt to take them. Plus we have our last two soccer games this coming week.

This weekend is going to be pretty busy too. Nais and Lele are having their going away/graduation party on Saturday. On Sunday is graduation and Aidan has a riding lesson. Sometime in there my mom and I are finally going to get our mani/pedi, we have been trying (not very hard apparently) for the past two weekends. And Monday Nais leaves to go home to France. So there will be lots of crying. I hate crying, but I can't help that I am a girl.

The year is winding down now. Girl Scouts is officially done until Lilly goes to camp. Soccer will be done next week. School will be done in two weeks (but only 7 full days and 2 half left). They are coming to get Kale's stuff on Monday, he will be done clearing officially on Wednesday. Judy (mil) comes the 4th of June and Kale leaves the 6th. Everything is moving very quickly and I am stressed out so much I have a sore on the roof of my mouth. I even went to bed last night at 7:30pm, I was just so tired. We recently cut caffeine out of our diets and it's killing me. I also am starting to crave ice again, so my iron is probably low again. I guess I better take the stupid pills.

Shopping and Strollers

I used my new Sit N' Stand all weekend and LOVED it. The only downside (it's a small one) is the basket is hard to access with Sophia sitting on the seat buckled in. Now I hope I can get busy and walk everyday it's nice.

Saturday was the Great American Yard Sale here on Fort Leavenworth. It's a post wide yard sale and almost every house sells their crap. People come from 100 mile radius to go to this thing and food vendors even come. It's getting smaller though, every year. It used to be so huge, but I think the hassle of non-decal cars having to be searched before entry on post deters some people now. I know some of the other army posts do yearly yard sales, but from what I hear, most of them are not as large as ours. I have been going to this yard sale yearly since I was a child. My mom used to drag me out of bed at 6am to get up here to "get the good stuff". This year we sold again, like we did last year. I had to get up at 6:30am and you know how much I love that. I had to help Kale drag everything out into the driveway. We made quite a bit of money and I was able to sell TWO of my strollers for $70, so that almost covered the cost of the Sit N' Stand. My mom, Nais, and I walked around a little, but I only bought a book for my FIL and an iron horse/horseshoe wall hanging for Aidan. My mom did get a stand up water dispenser for $25 that was a really good deal.
I am still waiting for a picture before I post about the baseball game. So maybe tomorrow. I forgot my camera, so I used my moms. And I keep forgetting to get her SD card from her.

I also found Sophia the cutest Skechers yesterday! I am not usually fond of characters shoes, but these were done so simply with out a lot of cartooniness, so to speak. I love Sketchers Bikers and she loved them, so we were sold on them. Plus they were on sale @ Jc Penney and I had a coupon for $10 off.

Have a great day!

Club Libby Lu

My mom and I took Lilly, Aidan, and Sophia to use their Libby Lu gift cards (finally) today. They had makeovers, really cute. Lilly and Aidan had it done last summer, but Sophia was too young. This time I decided to try it with her, she was so happy to be a big girl. She is really good, she sits still and doesn't fuss about people doing things to her. We didn't get her ears pierced today though. The teenagers had places to be and homework to do, so maybe next week or if we feel up to it tomorrow.

I keep forgetting to blog about this, but my husband is not going to Iraq anymore. He is now going to Cuba with a report date of June 10th. So he will be safer but nonetheless gone. I won't be as worried about him, but my life will still be a living nightmare for a year. At least half of the summer will be spent in Tennessee with his parents, so I won't be alone with all four for two whole months. We are also trying to get Lilly (my biggest headache) into a Girl Scout sleep away camp, we tried last year and they were all full. Lilly is usually my biggest help and problem all rolled into one child. She is so good at pushing all of her sisters buttons, especially Aidan's. Summertime is always my biggest worry, that's when I think I will go nuts. With June out of the way and my mom is always free in July, she will keep me busy. My mom is one of those people that can't sit still, so most of my summers are spent doing things she plans out for us. Day trips and such. Which is cool with me, because I will do most anything but I don't like to plan it. Mostly because if no one likes it then they can't yell at me for picking out a lame place to go.

Things are happening, way too fast.

Kale has his first PCS briefing this afternoon, he's already put in his PCS leave form, and he will be done working in mid-April. My life is changing very fast and I am not pleased about it. I haven't had a lot of time to think about it yet. With the kids sick, Delilah still sick, and our trip to Florida coming up so quickly, I just haven't had the time to feel sorry for myself. That is good, I can't wallow yet. As soon as we get back from FL the wallowing will start.

Our summer plans have already taken a hit because of him leaving. Our original plan was for Judy (mil) to fly out here and fly back with Lilly, Aidan, and Sophia. Then Kale, Delilah, and I would drive out two weeks later. Now Judy wants to fly here as planned then ride back with all four kids and I. Then we will stay until the end of June, she'll ride back with me, and then she'll fly home. This all came about because Kale brought up to her that she would have to ride back with me and then we'd fly her home, but the girls would still fly out with her as planned. Apparently she didn't like the idea of Delilah and I driving the 10 hrs to TN alone. I was not worried, Lilly and I used to drive 8hrs back and forth every other mth from Ft. Knox to KC. But whatever, she has always thought I can't handle myself. I can say no, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. I would like her to come out here every couple of months to help while he's gone. So I will go and I won't get my break like I thought I would, I will survive.


Also we had bought season passes to Worlds of Fun for the kids and we are going to have to try and get our money back. There is no way I am taking four kids there by myself and I can't really expect someone in my family to want to go with us every week. So that sucks, but I guess we will try again for next year. And I will take Lilly and Aidan once this summer by myself or maybe all of them while Judy is here. They aren't going to be happy with me, but they will survive.

My Husband....

He didn't start out as well "trained" as he is now. It took many years of training in fact.

When we were first married, after I quit my job (because WE decided it made more sense for me to stay at home) I did everything. And I mean everything, well not trash and mowing the lawn those are man jobs. I felt I should, I wasn't making money, but I controlled our finances. Up until Lilly was 2-3mths old Kale had maybe changed 5 diapers all of them wet not poopy. Finally I grew a little more confidant and decided it was his turn to help, so he was in trusted with bath duty every night (or morning, depending on the shift he was working).

When we moved to KY Lilly was 8mths old and we had been married for just a year. It was the best thing that could happen to us. We learned quickly to rely on each other and to work together as a team. I had never lived away from my parents and it was hard, but not too bad. Since gas prices were like a buck a gallon and I had a Saturn SL2 that got ridiculously good gas mileage, I could go visit them pretty much whenever the mood struck me. Plus my parents would miss us so much they would fly me home regularly. Kale only went with us on long weekends he was lucky enough to get a pass for, his leave time we always spent with his parents. We were (for the most part) blissfully happy.

Just before Lilly turned two I decided I wanted another baby. I had just lost 30lbs and was a glutton for punishment. We picked May to be the mth to conceive and boom I was pregnant. I am very lucky I tend (with the exception of Sophia) to get pregnant very quickly. When we discussed having another baby I told him he was going to have to help out around the house a little more. At this point he was only bathing Lilly, mowing the grass, and taking out the trash (anything else if I asked, but I rarely did). He agreed to start helping me a little more. -Oh how I miss my very clean house and well behaved only child, sometimes. I always miss my clean house. The sad thing is I never enjoyed it either because I always felt it was dirty.-

It really wasn't until we moved to MA that I really started making him help out. I was home 24/7 with the girls and he was gone more than 80hrs a week. This is when he had to give up giving baths and took on dishes, just loading the dishwasher to start. A few months into our lives there I stopped waking up at night with Aidan (she had just turned 1 when we moved there) and he had to get up with her. That probably was a mistake since she didn't start sleeping though the night until she was 3. When he went to BNOC (SSG School) Aidan had just turned 3. I found out then that the reason she woke up every night was he would give her cups of milk in the middle of the night to shut her up. I nipped that in the bud the first night. She was sleeping through the night within a week of him being gone. Will wonders never cease.

He changed a lot more diapers with Aidan and after we moved to MA I left him alone with them for the first time. I also started making him take one or both of them with him as he ran errands. Hey, If I had to there was no reason he couldn't, occasionally. Now? He gets sent with someone every time he leaves the house, usually who ever is being most difficult (Sophia). When we decided to have Sophia it took a year to get pregnant. After I finally got pregnant he was told to expect to help even more, he agreed. He changed diapers when he was home, he helped when he could at night, mostly just diapers since I was breastfeeding. But more and more as our family grew he helped.

Now, he does baths again, for everyone now. He empties and loads the dishwasher, he cleans all the animals cages/boxes, he picks the girls up from school, he takes them to and from girl scouts, he cleans the bathrooms, he basically does all the jobs I hate to do, and everything else I ask of him. Do I ever feel badly about this? Only occasionally. Delilah has been our most difficult baby, for the first 4mths if she wasn't being held she was screeching. She is getting better and better, especially when I quit breastfeeding (another blog for another time, killed me to stop). He condition is getting better, but she gets sick very easily still.

So it's going to be hard for me to be alone. I have slowly been giving up my jobs for the last nine years and to have them all back in an instant is going to be mind blowingly tough. I can do it, this I know. Still doesn't mean I want to.

I? Am Scared

I just found out my husband is staying on orders to Fort Campbell KY and that pretty much as soon as he gets there he will be shipping off for Iraq. I am scared out of my mind. It goes beyond just his personal safety, it goes into my mental well being. I historically don't do really well by myself. I am not as good of a mommy as I like to be when he is gone. I am not a patient person and I don't like doing it all by myself. But I knew this day would be coming, I am not stupid, he's in the Army, and I knew eventually he'd be going.

What am I going to do:

When Sophia refuses to go to sleep at night and I am at my wits end from dealing with her.

When Delilah wakes up in the middle of the night crying and needing a bottle. Who is going to bring her to me and make her bottle for me.

When I have to give everyone baths every other day for over a year. Right now the only one I bathe is Delilah and I am just about to hand that duty over to Kale.

When all the kids are sick and I have to take more than two to the doctor at a time.

When kids are sick and vomiting. Who is going to help me clean them up?

Who is:

Going empty and load my dishwasher every day for me?

Going to clean the cat boxes, guinea pig/gerbil/bird cages?

Going to feed my dog/cat/guinea pig/gerbil/bird?

Going to pick my kids up from school every day?

Going to take them to and pick them up from girl scouts?

Going to watch a couple of them when my mom and I go shopping on Saturday mornings?

Going to change my lightbulbs?

Going to keep me feeling safe enough to sleep at night?

Going to tell me he loves me everyday, even though I don't say it back much anymore?

Going to talk me off the ledge when I have had it with his children?

Going to make sure things get done when I am in a funk?

Going to go to the store at 10pm because I just felt like having a candy bar?

Who is...
Going to reassure our children that daddy will be back "before they know it"?

Going to try and make sure his baby of 9mths knows who he is?

Me......That's Who.

I realize I am not the only woman to go through this or is going through this. I am quite lucky it has taken more than ten years for this to happen. He did just reenlist yesterday so he would have enough time for this assignment, we could have said no to the reenlistment and gotten out in a year. But we are lifers, didn't intend to be in the beginning. I personally like the security of having a pay check every mth (even if my brother who is younger makes 2 times as much as Kale), having health care, and having a house if I choose to have one. When he thought about getting out after the first three years we were so young and he didn't have any higher education. So I said no we need to stay in, we had a baby to think about. After the 2nd reenlistment (the 1st was for 4more years the 2nd for 5) we decided to just stick it out for 20 and collect a pension, then he can go on to another career and retire from there too. We did get a nice big fat bonus check (again!). That'll pay some bills.

I have family here, I know that. It's going to be hard, but a little easier with them around. Not much though. I am not used to doing everything for myself, I gave that up years ago. I rely on him too much and my mom says I need to stop. He helps me, he drives me nuts but keeps me sane. I cannot explain why I need him so very much, I just do.

I really wish we would have found out during a better time(like there is a better time). When it was actually spring and my kids weren't just getting over two different illnesses. I might have been my more optimistic counterpart, maybe not. Now I will just have to hold out hope that he at least gets promoted before he leaves and we are able to move to Senior NCO Quarters (bigger, better, NEW house). We will find out in April and so far we are hearing good things.

Decisions

I hate making decisions. I have one to make now. I especially hate decisions that involve uprooting my family again. I have a choice, it's not an easy one. My husband has been put on orders to report to Fort Cambell KY by May 10th. He still has to find out for me if he will be deployed after he arrives there. I can say no to the move and he can get his Sergent Major to try and stop the orders, but no guarantees. I can say okay and the kids and I wait to move until school lets out here. I can say okay and if he's going to be deployed right away then the kids and I will stay here until he returns, in 15mths. I like living here, my family is here, my kids are doing wonderfully in a school I really like, and my friend K is trying to get here next with her family. I know my husband wants to move and Fort Cambell is only 2hrs from his parents. We have never lived close to them and I know he would like to do so. GRR. I hate choices and change. I really shouldn't be a military wife.

The End of Recruiting

I am going to cope out now and give a list of good things and bad things that came out of our recruiting experience.

Good Things:

My friendship with K
My daughter was able to go to one of the best public schools in the country
My daughter Sophia
We were able to see all the sights in New England

Bad Things:

My marriage almost ended and its still not the same
My shingles
I had to see a therapist and take "happy" pills (not so bad really, but the reason I had to was bad)
I gained 40lbs
I had no money for months
Half of our furniture was broken in the move from KY to MA (our stuff was in two containers and they dropped one getting it on the truck)
I was patronized numerous times by my husbands station commander
My husband was gone from 5am to 12am Mon-Fri and 6am-4pm Sat
He missed b-day parties, plays, anniversaries, parent-teacher confrences, and vacations
He lost most of his hair and gained 40lbs

It was a rough three years and I guess I can say now that I wouldn't change it. My marriage will continue to heal, I am still not sure it will be what it once was though.

Recruiting Hell Part IV

In the beginning of 2004 things are getting better. I start hanging out with K more and more. We even start going out alone on Saturday evenings, leaving the kids with our husbands. I had never once left my children alone with my husband before that. Now I was leaving them with him once a week. He was happy I was getting a break and off his back. I was starting to realize that he really had no control of his schedule. Before that I just assumed he was staying late on purpose. SGT Asshole had a hold on our lives and I hated it.



Because they had messed our pay up so badly and overpaid us so much, we were sent to a budget counselor. She was to figure out how much we could afford to live on while they recovered the extra money out of his paycheck. We had a plan all in place and some asshole in finance decided it wasn't "fair" to us, so spread the payments out over 28mths. GRRR! The way we had it planned it was going to be paid off in 4mths. Life really sucked at times.



Things were getting better with each passing month. By the summer of 2004 I was much happier and settled. We decided to try for another baby. I had planned on getting pregnant in Dec. Normally when I decide to get pregnant, boom that next month I am pregnant. Nothing happened for months. All the stress we were under had effected both of our fertility. (Side note: I forgot to mention that when all the high stress, no money, him never home, me alone, mad at mothers, was going on I actually developed shingles from the stress. That's when they sent me to a therapist.)


A year passed and things were as normal as they could be. Finally after a year of trying I became pregnant. I found out the day after I took the girls for Valentine's pictures. I was used to missing periods, they had been very odd since we moved. But I had a run in with the girl taking the pictures. She did a shitty job and I left without ordering one single picture. Very unusual for me, I am not that confrontational usually, at least not in public. The next day I was feeling so yucky I took a test and was finally pregnant.

I was elated, finally after a whole year. I know that is nothing for some women to experience and that I am lucky I have children at all. I just knew I wasn't done, I wanted more babies. My pregnancy started normally. My first two pregnancies had been very easy, not much happened. I should have known from my first visit with the OB that I was in for trouble. She looked at me and said I know you are going to be diabetic. She based this off the fact that I am overweight and that there was a 12oz jump in weight from my first to my second child. I should know to keep my big mouth shut, but don't know enough. I made the mistake of telling her I "failed" my first two blood sugar tests and had to take the 4hr fasting blood sugar test with my 2nd child.

Things went smoothly for the first few months. I lost 20lbs, which was perfectly fine considering I was over 40lbs overweight. I had really terribly morning sickness, first time I had that problem. My 3rd pregnancy was the first time I vomitted from morning sickness. But that was normal. Then she did my 1st ultra sound and found out I have placenta previa, not too bad though, she said it would take care of it's self in a few months. But until then, no sex. My husband was out of town for the next two months anyway.

Then came the blood sugar test, UGH! I of course failed the first test. I was way over. I went to have the 4hr fasting, drank the nasty shit (I really hate that stuff and will not miss that part at all) and had my first and second draw, then proceded to vomit all over myself. Naturally I was mortified and left to get cleaned up. Felt terrible for the rest of the day and refused to go back for another try. My Drs response to my stubborness was to treat me as a diabetic, threatening me with insulin injections. She told me to take my blood sugar four times a day for two weeks and come back to discuss the results. I did so, morning, after lunch, after dinner, and before bed. Mind you she never told me I needed to stop eating at 7pm to get a proper fasting blood sugar in the morning. So out of the 4 tests a day for 14 days, I had three high readings. All of them were in the morning, all of them were on mornings after I had been up until midnight eating and drinking. She considered me full fledged diabetic after that.

So to appease her for the rest of my pregnancy I let her go on believing what she wanted. I kept taking my blood sugar level, never had a high reading again, since I stopped eating after 7pm. And I never changed my diet, I lied to her and told her I did. I was eating a whole cake a day and eating shaved ice with koolaid every hour. I love sugar and was not willing to cut it out of my diet. I never gained a poung this pregnancy, actually lost a lot of weight.

Then she did an ultra sound 6weeks from delivery, baby was breech, and because of it my fluid looked low. The first thing she said to me, before I even spoke, was "I WILL not turn a baby with a low fluid level. You will HAVE to have a c-section." I was not pleased and was terrified. I went home and reserched breech presentation and found several ways to postition myself to encourage the baby to turn. After three days of this I felt her flip. My next ultrasound confirmed this. But even after I went back to her and she had the report that the baby was head down and my fluid was normal, she still said most likely c-section. At this point I knew she was angling to just do it for the extra cash. I was livid and I told her absolutly not, I would not be having a c-section. Nothing was wrong with me, nothing was wrong with the baby. I had been getting ultra sounds and stress tests twice a week for two weeks and nothing was abnormal. She still made me do these until the baby was born, but I won the c-section fight.

To be continued......

Recruiting Hell Part III

Life sucked from that point on and only got worse as the days went on. Kale's job started before the kids and I were up and he was never home before they were in bed. This was so rough on them, they were used to having daddy around. Daddy gave the baths every night and daddy put them to bed. This was rough on me too. Aidan started to develop her bowel issues at this time. BMs were so hard on her, she wouldn't eat, she wouldn't go on her own, I had to force feed her, and I had to help her poop. It didn't take long for me to become depressed. It didn't take long for me to be crying every night to my mom. She came out to visit me not very long after we moved, I believe it was March.



I didn't know anyone, I didn't know where anything was. They had messed up and Kale's paycheck was $0. They gave us $6000 for our moving pay, but told us not to spend it, they think they made a mistake. Here we were, in a new place, new situations, no money, and our normal life was so far gone. I blamed him, I blamed him so much. It was HIS fault, he put New England down and he did it without asking me first. We fought, we fought so much. I would call him when Aidan was crying and wouldn't stop. For HOURS she wouldn't stop. She missed him, she was in pain, she was hungry, she was a baby. I didn't know how to deal. I would call his cell and just set the phone in the room with her. If I had to listen to it HE did too. Life sucked.



In April my parents flew us out to KS, well the kids and I. We spent two weeks there and I called him every night saying I didn't know if I was coming home or not. He called his mom and told her I might not come home. She called me, she lectured me, she yelled at me, I hung up on her. I was sooooo ANGRY at him, livid that he would tell her something so personal, it was none of her buisness. I did end up going home with him, I was too chicken to ask my parents to stay. I didn't speak to his mother for 2mths after that.



At this point I am blaming him for everything, he is only home one day a week and even on that day he still had to go in most of the time. I have completly withdrawn from him, I barely spoke to him. I usually just yelled at him, I often wonder why he stayed with me at that time. I was horrible to him, I knew after that first few months that he was never going anywhere.



I finally got up the nerve to ask my mom if we could come live with her, just while he finished recruiting duty. She told me no, that if I left I was giving up on my marriage and that would be a huge mistake. I was upset, beside myself. I felt abandoned by everyone. It took me three weeks to get over it and forgive her. My dad finally had to call and explain her to me. I understood, but I wasn't happy.



I decided to go to college in the fall, that way I could get out of my house. I had never been a fan of daycares, but I went and toured the one on the Air Force Base and was very impressed. I felt comforted knowing they were in a very controlled building, each room had three cameras, and you had to sign the kids in and out each day. It was in these halls that I would meet my savior, the one to keep me sane, to pull me out of my funk, my best friend K. Her son and my Lilly were best buddies, in the same room. Her husband also worked in the same office with Kale, and turned out they were good friends. It took me nearly a year to open up and trust her, to let her in to my life. I am very hard to become friends with, but once I am your friend I am loyal to a fault.



She and I both pulled our kids out of the daycare after one semester of college. Both of us had major issues with our kids getting sick. I was in the doctors office every week, alternating kids. By the time I pulled them out, they were one ear infection away from tubes. Her son has asthma and was hospitalized. The station commander SGT Asshole, wouldn't even let her husband off to stay with him for a day. Not one single day in the week or more he was in the hospital. I hated that guy, I still do.



At this point I am in therapy once a week and I am on anti depressants. I have gained 20lbs already. My marriage is not the same, my children are not the same, I am not the same.



To be continued......

Recruiting Hell Part II

We spent a wonderful, fun-filled month in Florida. Went to Disney, went to Sea World, and spent a lot of time with Kale's family. His grandma was giving us a dining suite, table, chairs, hutch, and corner china cabinet. We were towing it behind our van all the way back to MA. His parents were coming with us to help us. We head out on a Friday and by the time we hit the border of VA there is a freaking blizzard going on all the way up the coast, all weekend long. By this time Aidan and Lilly are starting to get sick and I am worried. It's Kale and his dad driving our van, towing the trailer, and they have the dog and cat. Kale's mom is driving me and the girls in their van, SCARY. She is not known for her steller driving, as a matter of fact not two months before she rolled her van, on the highway.



We hit the blizzard and it hits us hard. When we pull into our hotel you can't even see across the parking lot. Everything was closed and the girls were so misreable with colds. The next morning I decide they need cold medicine and ibuprofen, my MIL doesn't think the cars will make it out of the parking lot, so she decides to walk to the grocery store, across the street, in a blizzard, in knee deep snow. After 2 hours, Kale is very worried, rightly so his mom is a clutz and falls often. Just as he's going out to find her, she comes trudging up the parking lot.



We wait it out a day and then head out again. Blizzard is still working it's way north, as are we. We get to Maryland and decide to stop there, we can go no further that night. Then we head out again in the morning, the snow had finally ceased. We get to our house late afternoon, the driveway has been plowed, but has a sheet of ice 3inches thick on top of the blacktop. Kale and his dad each take turns trying to back our trailer into the garage, unsuccessfully. They are not the most handy of men. The instead unhook the trailer and push it into the garage.



At this point my poor girls are sooooo sick. I can wait no longer, I have to take them to the ER. Kale's dad wants to wait until we get to Conway NH that night. We were going to spend the next few days up there waiting for our household goods to arrive, the storm had pushed our date back. My FIL cousin and wife were going to host us for the next few nights. It's another 5-6 hr drive and at this point I know the girls have ear infections and are in dire need of antibiotics. I don't want to wait and I put my foot down. MIL and I take them to the ER and wait forever, then get the meds and head back to the house. We all leave and head up to Conway, getting there very late.



We spend to nice days with Kale's family. Shopping and having fun. Other than his "Uncles" constant drinking and smoking we have a wonderful time. We head back to the house after a couple of days. We find out on Wednesday the day our stuff arrived, that Kale was to be AT work the very next day. URGH! This is where mistake #2 came into play.



Mistake#2) We stupidly assumed every fluffy, fun detail they were feeding Kale in recruiting school was going to be truth. They told us that after he signed in they'd give us a whole month to get settled in our house before he would have to work. That's why we spent our month off in FL and not in MA getting the house ready. More "promises" will come out later in the story.



So the next day he goes to work, our house completly full of boxes and his parents are leaving the next day. Not only does he have to work Thursday and Friday, but Saturday too! OH MY GOD! I was livid. Friday he gets home well after 5pm and we are driving 2 hrs to go visit his Great Aunt, it's Aidan's 1st b-day and she wants to do the party for us. We had a nice time, her house is very small, even smaller than the one we were living in. His parents help as much as possible on Saturday, we get the girls rooms, the living room, and the kitchen set up. The rest of the boxes were residing in our bedroom.



Sunday they leave and Kale and I try to go through more boxes. I am so overwhelmed and upset at this point I practically shut down. Life as I knew it was gone.



To be continued.....

Recruiting Hell Part I

In the summer of 2002 we found out my husband had orders for recruiting. We were a little worried, but excited we wanted to have a new "adventure". My husband attended recruiter school in November and you can give three areas where you would like to recruit. He selected Florida (where his parents lived), Kansas (where my parents live), and New England (I had no idea he had selected this area and he only did so because his parents grew up there and there were a few obscure relatives there. None of them we ever spoke to.). He had an "in" or so we thought, he knew the guy who assigned everyone and he guaranteed we'd get stationed in Orlando. We were elated.

Then on the day everyone was assigned the guy got called out on emergency leave. His wifes grandpa had died. Well he told no one else in the office of our arrangement and low and behold we are assigned to New England Battallion. I don't blame this guy one bit, emergencies can't be helped. He spent the next week trying to fix it, but because my husband spoke no spanish they wouldn't trade our orders with some one elses. Even though the guy wanted to trade for New England. Okay, whatever, we will deal.

Mistake #1) The Batallion Commander calls and asks my husband...."Are you city folk or country folk?" My husband, being from downtown Orlando says "City folk sir." And he assigns my husband to Boston Company, downtown, financial district. The other company, a small town on the coast, south of Boston. It's never good when he doesn't consult me on life decisions.

I start looking at housing and immediatly start freaking out! The cost of living is outragous and we can't live in the city because of our very large dog. At this time it's just Kale, Lilly (4), Aidan (not quite 1) and I. We look for weeks and just before we start to move we find out we can live in Wayland, the Natick Army labs have a set of 12 houses there and lucky us one is avalible. One catch though, we have to drive up there to sign for it, before we head to FL. We had taken a months leave and were spending it with Kale's parents. By now it's January 2003 and our report date is February 21.

This is how it went:
Thursday; our stuff was packed
Friday; our stuff was put on the truck and we head to KS for a weekend with my parents
Monday; we go back to KY to clear housing, then head to VA to stay with my aunt
Tuesday; Kale, dog, and I leave kids and cat with my aunt and we head to MA
Wednesday; we sign for the tiniest house in the whole town and leave some of our things there
Thursday; we head for VA to spend the night
Friday; we all head for FL, arriving late that evening
In less one weeks time we went up and down nearly the entire east coast. I was glad to stay put for one month, had I known what was coming we would have went back sooner.

To be continued.....