Dear.....

Dear Husband,



Just because you pay for MY new van, does not give you license to drive it whenever you damn well please. You know how much I hate having to change the mirrors, the seat, the petals, and the radio station. I have very little patience in the mornings you should know better by now. You have your own freaking car and last I remember it was practically brand new when we bought it.



Love,

Your Ungrateful at 7am Wife



PS: Drive your OWN car!

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Dear Mother,



Please, I implore you, STOP having conversations with me when I am not in the room. We have talked about this before, wanting to talk to me about something and talking to me about it are two different things. You can't get mad at me for something I forgot but never knew about in the first place.



Love,

Your Daughter Who Rarely Forgets Things You ACTUALLY Ask Her To Do

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Dear Mother of the Poor Child on Aidan's Soccer Team Named ROWDY,



Really, are you f*ing kidding me? Rowdy, that's his real name? It's not a nickname for Randell or Rodger?



Did you totally want to give your child a complex BEFORE he could create his own? Okay, whatever, to each his own.



Sincerely,

Woman who tried hard to give her kids names they wouldn't be teased for



PS: Before you mention it, most people these days have no clue the story of Samson and Delilah. They will just think I was a big nerd who named her kid after a song.

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Dear Everyone on Post,



If you didn't already read the rules (or signs) for roundabouts, here is a quick lesson.

1) You don't have to stop. Did you see the big Yield sign? Do you know what Yield means? If not then turn in your driver's license and walk.

2) If I have ample room to merge in front of you, do not speed up and honk your horn at me. I did nothing wrong, I did what the sign said, I YIELDED. BTW the speed limit is 20, so sitting on my ass when I am going 21 is not going to get you very far. You were lucky I didn't slow down to 10 to keep your happy ass behind me for a few miles.



Sincerely,

Woman who learned how to use roundabouts in Boston, where they know how to use them properly

Dear......

Dear Guy in the Ford Escort,



Hey buddy sorry to tell you but your 4 cylinder Escort will not outrun my 6 cylinder Minivan. I know it's a blow to your ego and all, but it won't happen. Plus, I am a little wacky and when I see you so clearly darting into the merging lane from behind me, trying to get in front of me in the 500 feet left, it just makes me want to match your speed. So sorry I couldn't let that one slide, you would have darted in front of me and slowed down, you guys always do.



Good Luck Next Time,

Crazy Lady in the Kia Minivan


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Dear Geezer in the Kia Sportage,



Maybe you didn't realize, but the speed limit on the road I had to follow you on for 5+ miles? The speed limit was 55 mph, so going 52? So not cool. I am okay with you if you would like to go the actual posted speed. I would love it if you would go around 3mph over the limit. But I cannot accept going under the limit, unless the weather is bad and today? Yeah not so much bad weather, it was sunny even. Please be a little more courteous next time.



Thanks,
Crazy Lady in the Kia Minivan


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Dear Moron in the Aveo,



The way you came flying off the exit ramp and nearly side swiped me, causing me to cut off the Jeep in the fast lane? Yeah, not so funny. And pointing at us and laughing? Real mature. Dude you are like 50, grow up! Oh and btw your tin can of a car would be destroyed in an accident with my minivan. Next time pick on someone your own size.

Flippin you the bird,
Pissed Off Crazy Lady in the Kia Minivan

Dear....

Dear Daisy Troop Leader,


Thank you for bringing to Kale's attention the fact that Aidan "lifted" the M&M topper of a tube of Easter M&M's. While I appreciate you letting him know this I do not appreciate you butting your nose in any further. Pointing out to MY child that "it's not a very Girl Scout thing to do" is not your place. Kindly keep your nose out of our family business in the future.


Thanks,
Miffed Mommy

PS: Not a big fan of people disciplining my kids.

_________________________________________
Dear Husband,


Please pay better attention to what your child is doing while waiting on line in the commissary. If you do so it will help us not to be embarrassed in the future. Plus if you had seen her steal the topper you could have scolded her right there and made her take it back. Embarrassing her greatly and hopefully deterring her from ever doing it again. It worked for Lilly, it should work for her.

Thanks,
Pissy Wife


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Dear Aidan,


I know it's not the first time you have embarrassed us and certainly not the last. But please refrain from publicly embarrassing us in the future and we will extend the same courtesy to you. You will enjoy such courtesy as a teenager.

Love,
Your Exhausted Mommy

PS: When you are sent home sick from school, please have the decency to ACT sick.
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Dear Delilah,

Please don't wait until five minutes after daddy leaves to fill your pants. And BTW gross, you kind of smell bad too.

Love,
Mommy
_______________________________________________
Dear Sophia,

You are two and you are sick, NAPS ARE NOT OPTIONAL. Go to sleep.

Love,
Your Exhausted Mommy
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Dear MIL,

Please quit bitching to me about how tired, sick, and cold you are. I really don't care. I am one of the most non sympathetic people on Earth. Please get over yourself, you aren't that sick, you haven't even lost your voice and you don't cough at all.

Love,
Your Sick and Tired Also, but I don't Bitch about it to anyone DIL

Dear Jackass at JC Penney's

Dear Jackass at Jc Penney's,

I am sorry that the site of my 2 year old daughter with a pacifier in her mouth offended you so. I am so very sorry it offended you so much you felt the need to let me know about your own parenting techniques. You were very lucky I was tired and in shock at your blatent rudeness. I didn't ask your opinion on my decision to allow my child to continue to use her pacifier. As a matter of fact I don't remember procreating with you, so really this subject is NONE OF YOUR FREAKING BUISNESS! I don't care you took your sons pacifier away when he was only a year old. I didn't ask. And the rude look of disgust you gave me when I confirmed that yes indeed my child is in fact 2 like you thought, not necessary. I am glad I was able to be a bigger person than you and not stoop down to your level of rudeness and properly bite your head off. I am very proud that I didn't feel the need to explain to you that it was late afternoon and she hadn't napped yet, which bedtime is the only time she is usually allowed to have her "paciey". So to you sir, cashier at JC Penney's, please f*off and next time try and keep from talking out of your arse.

Sincerely,
Very tired mommy who had drug a 2yr old and 5mth old all over creation today