He's Gone, Again....

It's harder this time around. I am alone with the girls this time around. My entire family is out of town right now, parents in Chicago, brother in Mexico. It's just harder this time. Before I had Judy here to keep my mind busy and the first two months I went non-stop from activity to activity. It also doesn't help that it's winter right now and I haven't been going out as much before he arrived.

His visit was wonderful, but far too short and went by far too fast. We had barely a day to sit and do nothing. We had two family portrait sessions in two weeks. Three family dinners in two weeks. One dinner out alone,a dinner out with my family, and a dinner out with just his family. We also had Christmas Eve dinner at my parents house and Christmas dinner here at our house. Both dinners were delicious. The girls received way too many presents from everyone. We had Lilly's play to go to and Kale spent a day volunteering at the school. We had a morning of baking with the kids, Meme, and Judy. The women went out shopping the morning after Christmas. Kale took the girls to the movies twice they saw Bolt and The Tale of Despereaux. It was a busy busy two weeks but it was a happy two weeks.

Thankfully Delilah and Sophia are better. Delilah hated her meds and they had to be force fed to her or hidden in food. FUN! She has also not regained her appetite as of yet. Hopefully she will get it back soon.


I leave you with our second family photo shoot:

Kale, David, and Judy

In-Laws David and Judy

Delilah didn't want to hold still but sat still when we sat her on the sled.

Sophia and her silly smile.

Aidan's sillier smile.

Lilly

This isn't the best one of the four of them, but it's the funniest.

Four generations of Kale's family. His Dad David and his grandma Margaret aka Nanny.

You HAVE GOT to Be F*ing Kidding Me!

Kale is currently still in Cuba, will not be leaving until 5-6pm, hopefully. Why is he sitting in Cuba still? Because someone with no freaking brain decided that because it was raining in VA (the planes final destination) then they would just stay in Jacksonville. You know, instead of doing the logical thing and going to Cuba, picking them up, taking them to Jacksonville, and THEN waiting for the weather to clear in VA. But no, we are talking about people with "broken chromosomes" as K likes to put it, ie MEN!

He will miss his flight out of Jacksonville and there aren't any later flights to Atlanta from Jacksonville tonight. Unless they can completely re-route him and do it for little to no money, then he will probably be on stand-by for tomorrow. Hopefully first thing in the morning. Right now my optimism is very low. I do not deal well with the unknown. Hopefully I will know something as soon as he gets to the airport. But not being able to call him drives me NUTS!

Snow Day...Not for My Girls!

There are only two school districts in the greater KC area that didn't cancel school today....Fort Leavenworth and Leavenworth. I briefly thought about not taking the girls to school regardless, but my mom quickly talked some sense into me. Instead we were barely on time. It's still snowing right now and we have about 5inches or so. At least their Girl Scout meetings are canceled tonight. My mom is in Lansing School District, so she had the whole day off. And apparently she rubbed Stella and Meme's noses in it this morning, Stella didn't appreciate it much (neither would I).

Sophia, Delilah, and I packed up to go make cookies with Rosy and Alan. Aidan had a cookie exchange at her GS meeting, which is now canceled but I can still use the cookies for Lilly's holiday party on Friday. I have to go out to pick up the girls in about an hour and I don't want to. :( It's too cold outside and I am warm and sleepy. Oh well, it's my last day of having to chauffeur for awhile.

Kale is still on the ground in Cuba, the plane to Jacksonville is late, due to get there in 30-60mins. They are normally supposed to leave around noon, of course today they are behind. I was not happy when he called to let me know. Hopefully he will still have enough time to make his flight in Jacksonville. Needless to say I now have a tension headache. I am also worried Green won't want to drive over here tonight, he doesn't do well in the snow. If he won't I am sure my brother will go get him and drop him off. Of course that means we have to take him home tonight. GRR! It's not going according to plan. I hate not having control of things and I have no control over any of this.

Pitbulls URGH!

Last Thursday I went to put my trash out and the neighbor had his pitbull in the front yard.....with no leash. I? Was beyond pissed, so naturally I had to say something. By the end of our "conversation" which was me talking and him smirking I was shaking I was so angry. I could have slap that smirk right off his effing face. I told him that since we weren't going to be moving as soon as I had hoped that I could no longer stay quiet about the pitbull being off it's leash. I told him that someday he is not going to be able to catch the dog when he runs. At that very moment the dog rushed at me and he caught him. I raised my eyebrows and said simply "see". Then I told him that I was not going to call the MP's or housing THIS time but I was warning him that next time I would. I can not and will not take this kind of chance with my children. It's against the law and he will be held accountable from now on.

So fast forward to the next afternoon, Kale and I are IMing while he is at work. He casually mentions the neighbor had some SSG email one of the 1SG down in Cuba and that Kale had been "talked" to about me by his Commander. I was not happy, so mad in fact I was ready to be confrontational with the neighbor. Kale begged me not to and said he would clear this up. The next night he talked to the 1SG who was emailed and asked what was up. He said that this SSG who had left Cuba a couple of mths before (he thinks he's more important than he is and Kale says he's a POS) and complained that I was harassing the neighbor about his dog. *Yeah, cause talking to the three times when the dog is OFF the leash constitutes harassment*. The 1SG said he didn't know what the guy thought he could do, that A) they can only get Kale in trouble if I am doing something illegal and B) they agree with me 100% on this issue. The Commander had just misunderstood the situation and is now in full agreement with us. I was just so angry this weekend about this, I could hardly see straight. There is nothing that can officially be done to reprimand these two guys causing trouble, but they were both going to be yelled at.

Now I am just waiting to get pics and video of the damn thing off it's leash. Next time I see it I will be calling the police and housing. Which I already warned housing on Friday that I was angry and that they were letting the dog loose. Hopefully they will at least heed my warning and keep it on the leash.

A little something to look forward to, I hope....

I asked Kale to look into what it will take for me to visit him during the second half of his tour. Probably around our anniversary in Feb. It is a big one, like I said it's the big TEN. If I get to go then it will be the first "vacation" we will have taken alone since Lilly was born.

This is what we know so far:

1) I have to have a passport. That's $100 right there. I have "fixed" not having to pay for that ourselves by telling my parents that I want it for Christmas. Even if I don't get to go it will still be good for 10+ years I think.

2) I have to fly from here to Jacksonville and take the shuttle to the Navy base where I will fly on a military plane into Guantanamo Bay. We have to pay for both flights. So far the flight from here to JAX is looking to be about $140, not too bad. We don't know how much the other flight is yet, he is looking into it.

3) The flights from the base are always early in the morning, so I will have to fly into JAX and rent a hotel room for a night. I am not really comfortable going to a hotel by myself, I haven't travelled alone since I was 18 and more adventurous.

4) When I get to Cuba I can't stay in his room, so we will have to stay in guest lodging while I am there. That's okay though, there is more privacy there then in his house. Plus his room only has a twin bed and we haven't slept in a twin bed together since we were dating. I think we both take up a little more room than we used to. :P

5) Judy has already said she would come take care of the kids for us. :) I knew she would, but it's nice she offered when I mentioned going to visit Kale.

6) On the way back I should be okay to catch a flight out of JAX after arriving at the Base and taking the shuttle to the airport. That's the way we set up Kale's ticket for Christmas so he has as much time home as possible.

I am excited at the prospect of visiting him and being alone for our anniversary for the first time in 10 years. He's excited so his second half won't feel as long as the first half. I just hope the military plane ticket isn't pricey, that could put a crimp in our plans.

No One Told Me....

First I would like to apologize for my foul language in my last two posts. I was typing so fast and furious I didn't even attempt to *** out some of the letters. While I do have a potty mouth, I know when and where it is appropriate to use.

Back to normal now....

No one told me just how hard this really was going to be. I cried last night on the phone with Kale, telling him just how hard it was and how upset I am that it's only 1/4 of the way over. I have been a mess this week. It's pretty bad when I am crying in my van when Gavin Rossdale's Love Remains the Same or Secondhand Serenade's Fall for You comes on the radio. -If you haven't heard either you should check them out, they are really good songs.-

I think my kids are handling this better than I am. I was fine the first couple of months, then school started and I have been home all day bored, just thinking of him. I am not having trouble dealing with the kids or dealing with the house. It's just the loneliness of it. I have not been apart from Kale for more than a month since I was 18, that's 10 years of being together. In February we will have been married for 10 years, he says he's finally going to buy me a big rock. :P But I have to wait until he comes back in June, he wants to be there with me when I pick it out.

I think it's the silence at night that bothers me most. He's been really good about calling me twice a day and emailing me everyday. I am happy when he calls, but I become even more sad when we have to hang up. It was easier for me in the beginning when I was so busy, but it was harder for him. At that time we didn't know that he can use state to state calling cards, which are WAY cheaper than the international ones he was using. I was also always busy and missed his calls often. He will have internet in his house again mid-Oct. and then it will be a little cheaper to talk. And I can talk to him all night long. Since he left my typing has improved, I was pretty good before, but now I am so much better.

In other news I have now lost nearly 15 pounds! I am excited. I am going to start walking to the school and back to pick up the girls on nice days, it's probably a 2-4 mile walk both ways. That will help. The "happy pills" have been helping to keep me away from sweets. I eat only what I need and I have even cut back to two 8oz pepsi's a day. I already drink a lot of water, so that's not a problem. I also started taking a multi vitamin to help with energy.

Well, my weekend is pretty busy. Lilly and Aidan both have parties to attend and on Sunday we are all going to the Renaissance Festival. It's been a beautiful week and it's supposed to continue for the weekend.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Where were you 9/11/01?

I know I said I was going to finish Sophia's birth story but I heard some old sound bites from 9/11 this morning on our way to school and it brought everything that happened that day rushing back to me.

The morning of 9/11 Lilly was sitting on my bed watching cartoons (Disney Channel) she was only just 2 at the time. I was packing for our trip later that day. We were due to fly out of Louisville International Airport later that afternoon. That's when Kale called. His first question "Are you watching tv?" I told him that yeah, Lilly was watching Disney, "Turn on one of the news channels." He informed me. I did so, just in time to watch the second airplane crash into the other tower. I am pretty sure I screamed. He then said to me "I don't think you are going anywhere today." He was right, at least I wasn't going by plane. I stayed glued to the tv not knowing what I should do and then the towers started falling, one then the other. I cried. I cried for all those people who were scrambling to get out, for all the people who had loved ones still trapped inside, for all the people on the planes at the time of the crashes, and finally for myself. I knew my life as I knew it would never be the same.

At the time we were living on Fort Knox, where the gold depository is, they felt it was a target. I knew if I didn't leave within a few hours I would be trapped for days. I told Kale I still wanted to go to my parents as planned, but I would drive instead of fly. But we had a problem, we only had one car and since he had planned on getting off to take me to the airport he drove it to work instead of getting a ride. And he was on lock down in the jail and we had no idea when he would be able to leave. I asked one of my neighbors to drive us over to the jail to retrieve the car and she very kindly did so. We did have to do it illegally though, I only had one car seat and it was in our car. Kale and I both worried that I wouldn't be able to find gas or that it would be very highly priced, but I didn't want to be there in case terrorists had plans for other places in the country. Not to mention I would have been very claustrophobic having to stay on post for who knew how long. Turns out it was a good idea to leave, they were on lock down for quite a few days.

Lilly and I loaded up and headed out just before lunch that day. We sat, listening to the radio, listening to all the stats, listening to people talk about their missing loved ones, listening to reporters discuss who could have done it, we just rode the whole way as if in a cloud. No one was on the road, nothing was in the sky, it was just us. I was able to make really good time that day, I hardly remember the drive at all. We only stopped for gas twice, peed at the station, and just took snacks to eat. When we arrived at my parents house my mom was there to greet us. I collapsed into her arms and we cried.

During the next few weeks all I watched was the news. I drown myself in the statistics, I prayed they would find more people alive, and I waited on baited breath hoping they would. It consumed me for days until I finally had to say enough is enough and walk away from the tv.

Now, 7 years later, life for most is not effected daily by this. My life is, every time I have to stop at the front gates to my home and show my ID. And then there are the times when I fly and I swear to you every single time we have flown since 9/11 I have been "randomly selected" for additional screening. Once they even patted Sophia down, at the time she was only 7mths old. I am infuriated they do this to me every time. I know they can't profile, but please....I am a woman, a military wife, with four children, I am hardly a terroristic risk. They are "just doing their jobs" but that doesn't explain why it's always me. I am probably their "look we don't profile, look we picked her!"

Today my kids are doing their annual National Anthem Project walk for freedom. They have done it every year for three years and last year Fort Leavenworth was awarded with the "All Star City" award, even though we aren't technically a city. It's a gloomy day, I hope it doesn't rain on them too much. They are having a picnic afterwards and I don't want it to get rained out.

So, Where were you on 9/11/01?

Am I Selfish?

My mil had the idea that my fil should drive to Jacksonville in Dec to pick Kale up instead of him flying home from Jacksonville. BUT they would "have him stay a few days in TN with them" before they brought him home. Is it selfish of me to say WTF and HELL NO? I don't believe so. They are his parents, who see him once or twice a year anyhow. We are his family and we normally see him everyday of the year. Plus he wants them to come here for Christmas Eve and day, maybe a couple of extra days beyond that. But he only has 16 days home, This.Entire.Year! I really don't care if they come at all honestly. So yeah, you can guess how far that idea went before it was shot down. Even Kale doesn't want them here for more than 4 days while he is home. Something to do with me and no "contact" while we have guests, I have a weird thing about it. At the same time it irritates him to no end that his mom just keeps brushing the subject under the rug so to speak.

So that's me. One selfish brat. :P

My High Horse

There are very few things I am absolutely opinionated about to the point where I will argue my point to the death. I am obviously opinionated about many things, but I am mature enough to accept other peoples point of view and value their opinion as much as my own. Except for this one subject........DOGS!

To be more specific, dogs that have been found to be vicious. I will never own any of these three breeds; pit bulls, rottweilers, or dobermans. I understand that not every single one of these dogs is going to kill someone or even hurt someone, but for me the risk is just not worth it. I can not be that irresponsible with my children. Why am I getting up on my high horse today? Because I walked outside this morning and noticed my new neighbors have a brand new puppy. I knew it was a pit bull, I can spot one from a mile away. So can my children, adult ones that is. Puppies they can't tell, so they were asking what kind it was. I say to my neighbor (I am sure I had a very uneasy and a look of disdain on my face, you can read me like a book by looking at my face.) "It's a pit bull, right?" I know I had a tone, I tend to do that when I am not in the best of moods. "Yes" she replied. "Great, just great!" I replied back. And she started in with "we can have him adjust to the kids now" and "he's not bad at all." Yeah lady you will never convince me of that. 1) My kids will NEVER go near a pit bull. 2) My dad is an EMT and has run way too many kids whose face, arm, finger, etc has been ripped off by "Rex" the loving family pit bull who was raised from a puppy with the child. 3) Yeah, he's "not bad"......YET.

No they don't have children and it's their right to own whatever vicious creature they wish, within the rules of our housing contract. So I can't do a damn thing about the dog living next door to me. I even called housing to make sure it wasn't against the rules to own them on post. Unfortunately they have a policy that only bans creatures that have already maimed children, pets, or adults. Now I will just take comfort in the fact that we should be moving very soon to Senior Enlisted housing and away from all this mess. I know I either hurt her feelings or angered her, I really don't care. My number one job is to take care of my children and I am pretty sure letting them get bit or eaten by a dog would constitute a failure on my part.

Now pit pulls are the worst in my opinion. I don't care for rots because they have a rep, but I am not as vigilant about them. Dobies are another story, I was nearly attacked by my uncles as a child. It chased me down the hall and I had to stand on the back of the couch to get away from her until my uncle could grab her. It wasn't long after that she attacked my 4 year old cousin and they had her put down. Now my cousin (the brother of the one attacked) owns 2 dobies. The male is nice enough and seems to be harmless. The female however is a viscous beast that almost bit Aidan on the face. His fiancee has already warned him they will go when they have children, smart girl in my opinion. My aunt still doesn't think they are a threat, but in her own admission Aidan was doing nothing but trying to pet the dog when she tried to bite her. My dad has already warned my aunt the children are to NEVER go around those dogs again. He is even more passionate about this subject that I am. But most people would probably be that same way if they have seen what he has in his 20+ years of being an EMT.

My motto is "I don't trust a big dog with no tail."

Anyone is welcome to disagree with me, but they will never change my mind. If you own one, fine by me, my children will just never be around it. I am opinionated about this, but I still respect other peoples rights to own these dogs. I just personally choose not to put my family at risk. I will climb down off my high horse or step down off my soap box, whichever you prefer. :P

Depression has set in....

RePost- Sorry Marie

I need to snap out of it, I am not liking the way I am feeling this week. It doesn't help I have forgotten to take my anti-depressants more often than I have remembered to. Plus my children are done with summer and want to go back to school. If only they realized I wish for that more than they do. I have been having an extremely bad case of the bad mommies these past few days. I have lost my patience more often that not. I hate yelling at them, but when you ask and ask and ask again, yelling seems like the only viable option left. Fighting has been the biggest issue, mostly between the oldest two. My next biggest complaint is noise. They cannot play quietly EVER. While I don't expect them to be quiet 100% of the time, there are times when I need peace. I have taken to staying up way too late, which then makes me grumpier.

I told Kale I hate him yesterday. I don't mean it, but I am angry that I am alone and last night he went to dinner with a bunch of important people. It's not his fault, I know it, but I can't help feeling jipped. It's been hard these past three days to hold myself together and not break down. But last night I did, I cried like a baby. I hate crying, it leaves my nose stuffy and my eyes puffy. I also think of it as a weakness and I don't like feeling weak. My mom is out of town until Friday, so I can't talk to her or have her help. Plus she is dealing with a lot right now. Her school is moving to a new building and they expect her to move everything alone. I also don't like her seeing me like this, until recently she didn't know I was even taking anti-depressants. I hide a lot of my true feeling from my family and friends, usually Kale is the only one who knows what I am feeling. It sucks for him to have to deal with me alone, but I don't want our family and friends to think I am weak.

I really NEED to get over this by Saturday. It's Lilly's 9th Birthday and I need to be good mommy. We aren't doing her special day until August 2nd, but we will have the family party on her b-day, I ordered the cake today. I guess I am doing somethings right. I really begin to feel better when I get small things done, like the dishes or the laundry. One positive thing happened on Tuesday, Rosy came over to drop Alan off to me, I am watching him for a few hours all week. Well she came early and she was either bored or sick of my pile of clean laundry. She.Folded.It.ALL! Then last night when they came to get him (he stayed longer than they had said he would) they brought me a piece of Linda's Fudge Cake from Cheesecake Factory, I needed it. I also finished it, which doesn't help my fat butt any, considering it's 33 weight watcher points. Why can't I be one of those people that can't eat while they are depressed? Instead I am an "eats chocolate until she is sick" depressant.

I have tried to keep my depressed mood off my blog, but I can't right now. I will snap out of it this weekend, when my mom gets home, my van is done, and my kids are busy being with other people. Sunday Lilly heads to camp #2 for 6 nights and Aidan heads to Chicago with my parents for 3 nights. It will just be Sophia, Delilah, and I, it will be glorious. Then I will have one week before school starts and that week they are taking dance for 2hrs each afternoon Mon-Thurs. My mood is picking up a little already at the thought of school beginning. Things will get better, I know it.

Something Different

I decided to post something other than the remainder of my 4th of July pictures today. I mean my kids are cute, but even I get sick of looking at them all the time. :P

I was thinking about my previous "lives" today. I feel as if my life is lived in increments. First there was my childhood, then my teenage years, then the few years after high school, then the three years we lived in KY, then the three years of hell spent in MA, and then there is the present. Each time I think about these different periods of time I think of myself as a different person. Really each period I was a different person. I had a different life each place.

When Kale and I were living in KY just the three of us, I was happy. We didn't have much money and the only places we went for vacation were our parents houses, but we were happy. We had a couple that we hung out with regularly, they were our age, and she was pregnant when we met. After a few months though it all turned sour. We found out he was abusing her mentally and emotionally. He would not let her spend any money, not even on personal items like pads or razors, she had to use his used razors and his parents gave her gift cards to Walmart for other items. After I found out about this I encouraged her to leave him and she did. But she always came back. We got the chain of command involved, but his dad was a very influential retiree in their field of work and was able to get them moved to a new post. It was sad and I often think of her and how she is doing. I know he got out of the Army because he was being investigated for his spousal abuse and I know they are living back in Alabama. Other than that I don't know anything more. Other than that and a few other small newly wed issues our first four years of marriage flew by. We only needed each other to be happy. I wasn't homesick or lonely at all.

When we found out we were going to recruiting we were worried. We had heard horror stories, but were optimistic we could come though his tour unscathed. Boy were we wrong. It started with our duty station, Kale had an in who was going to get us into Orlando for assignment. Unfortunately he had a family emergency that forced him out of the office the day they made the assignments. The FL and KS areas were closed to us, Kale was neither African American or Hispanic, so to the northeast we were sent. At first I was not happy, but then I turned around and determined I would make the best of it. It was far away from everyone, but closer to my grandparents. Plus I had never seen Boston or NYC and I would be close enough to go to both. They told Kale that he would be able to do his job while grocery shopping with me or doing family things with us.

Yeah, they lied. They lied about everything. It pretty much sucked the entire first year. Our marriage nearly didn't survive. I almost didn't survive. Until I met K and started hanging out with her I really wasn't sure I was going to stay. She kind of saved my marriage/life. I was very down before we became friends. We started taking trips around MA and the area, going to zoos, the Yankee Candle Factory Outlet, NYC to Ikea, Ikea in CT, she introduced me to Ikea and I am disappointed now I am not near one. We did a lot of shopping, since the only positive factor about being on recruiting duty is the extra pay, it did not make up for all the bad factors however. Really the only thing that kept me semi sane other than K was shopping. It was hard adjusting when we moved back here.

Now that we are back in KS I am back to being a daughter on a daily basis. And a sister, aunt, sister-in-law, and friend I hadn't been these things in years. I love being here with my family, but part of me would like to go some where alone again as a family, like we were in KY. We need to start taking trips as a family again, without all the extra people in our lives. Don't get me wrong, I love being with our families, but it would be nice to be just us again.

Swimming at the State Park

Update: For anyone who subscribes, I apologize. I realized I published this the same day as Wordless Wednesday, after I had published WW. So I republished it for today.






So I did something I haven't done in years, since before my children were born, well at least I haven't done it unless I was pregnant. I went swimming, in a swimming suit. Courtesy of K who sent me her old suit. It took a lot for me to get over my weight issues enough to put the thing on and play with my girls, but I did it. I did it because my fil alone couldn't have watched the three bigger girls in the pool by himself. My mil went "swimming" but the water was too cold and she wouldn't go in any deeper than her ankles, wuss. The first day they had fun but since my girls don't swim and are scared of water for some unknown reason. I loved to swim, still do. I was a master at swimming as a child, my kids can't pass level one lessons. They have a fear of the water that is foreign to me.

The second day we went swimming we brought rings and a boat. They loved it, were so brave. By the end all three were jumping off the edge holding onto the rings. The same girls the day before were staying where they could touch and didn't dare let us take them in deeper. It was amazing and wonderful a perfect day. Until....

Judy and I were sitting on the stairs chatting as the girls were playing. She turns to me and after sizing me up says "When we get home I will have to sit on your feet and make you do sit ups. You need to firm up your tummy." I honestly didn't know what to do or say, I wanted to cry or yell. Instead I said "Wow, I guess I know I will never be wearing this suit out in public again." To which she replied "Oh, well your not the biggest girl here."

Later that night I relayed the story via messenger to Kale, I couldn't tell him when he called she was in the room. He was very upset with her. I nearly cried typing it to him. Then this morning I called my mom while Judy was in the store and told her. I burst into tears as I told her, she couldn't believe she would say that to me. Honestly, I know I am fat. Personally when I see myself naked I am disgusted. But those are my issues and I try not to bitch about it. Because honestly all I need is more will power. My problem is I am an emotional eater, I eat when I am sad or angry. So this month? I have eaten like a pig and not felt like doing much about it. I gained most of my weight when we lived in MA. I wish for the days before we moved there, when I thought I was fat. I so was not fat. Heavy, husky, fluffy but not fat. Now? I am fat. I avoid full length mirrors if possible. The worst part for me is my face is fat. I never had that until a few years back. I am going to try and work on my weight this year. But you never know.

In a nut shell, she ruined a perfectly happy day for me. Well, part of it. At least the pictures are going to bring back happy memories and in time I will forget what she said.

The most boring last day...ever.

We did very little. Ran errands most of the day. We did drive out to KC to get Kale his last dessert before leaving. He wanted Cheesecake Factory, no complaints here. Mom came over and had dessert with us. Lele and Green came a little later and just left. We had fun just hanging out looking at old pictures. Before we went to KC Jason, Rosy, and Alan came over to say goodbye. We are taking him to the airport at 8am tomorrow morning. Hopefully Delilah will sleep tonight. She FINALLY started crawling forward today, she had been getting around by rolling and going backwards for a month. Plus she mastered getting from her tummy to a sitting position before she learned to crawl forward. Now she is trying to climb. It won't be long and she will be caught up to Alan.

Other than that it's been very boring today. I will be a mess tomorrow morning after he leaves. But then I will have to get over it and go to a rodeo. We are entering Aidan in the kids calf scramble, I have no idea what that is, but I am sure she will have fun doing it. Lilly's too old and Sophia's too young.

Maybe we will walk tomorrow, I found out after I ate half of my cake that it has 1360 calories and 51 grams of fat. SCARY! I won't be eating that very often. Thanks to everyone for their good thoughts and prayers. We will be fine (most days) and for the bad days I can vent here.

Have a good Friday!

Preventative Medicine

I went to the "doctor" today. My PCM is a Physician's Assistant hence the quotes. I hate this woman. I have been to her probably once or twice every six months since we have been here, I don't go to the doctor much. Every time I am there she is rude, bitchy, and rushes me out. I am finally ready to complain about her and get a new PCM.

I went in because of my out of control allergies, I have been miserable. I now have 4 medications to take for my allergies, Flonase, Singular, Allegra, and Patanol. And then for good measure, since I have been a big ball of nerves lately, I have decided to go back on Welbutrin. I took it for about a year when we were in hell and I want to prevent myself from spiralling out of control. I am not completly feeling hopeless yet, but I prefer not to get to that point and take care of it now.

In other health news since I am sharing way TMI anyways. Lilly may have premature adrenarche, basically she has hair growth in her armpits and major BO already. Not normal for her age, especially since the BO has been going on for over 2 years. Sometime in July she has to go see an Endocrinologist. They will do a full blood work up and possibly a bone scan to be sure her bones are growing at a normal rate. Nothing in life is simple or easy, at least not in my life.

For the next year you can expect big ups and downs from me. I work that way. I try not to feel sorry for myself every day and I won't. But right now, I am feeling really badly. The deadline is near and I am not pleased. I am actually terrified.

Some Random Words

Aidan graduates from Kindergarten today, my mom is coming with us so I am sure she will cry thus I will cry. I was informed that I was not to fix her hair up because of the caps, it won't stay if she has pony tails. So I put butterfly barrettes in her hair, but she cried so I had to take them out. They apparently "felt weird" in her hair. She was in a mood this morning. It started because she didn't like her sandals and wanted to wear her black dress shoes, but they didn't match her dress so I told her no. I let her have her way with barrettes, but I wouldn't budge on the shoes.

Judy (mil) arrives in less than one week, on the 4th. Then Kale leaves on the 6th, Lele leaves on the 8th, we go to TN on the 9th, and my parents head to France on the 10th. I am lucky that (so far) Green's internship is staying here and not moving to Des Moines, so he's going to spend the month living at our house taking care of the dog and cat. If he can't do it the dog will split his time between my mom's and my aunt's and the cat will remain her, but locked in our laundry room (it's huge) and my bro will come in to take care of her everyday. He works on Fort so that's not really a big deal for him. But ideally Green staying here is best.

On Sat. Kale, Jason, Green, Lele, Rosy, Lilly, Aidan, and I are going to Worlds of Fun (amusement park). My mom is watching Sophia, Delilah, and Alan even though she is worried about watching them. I told her I do it all the time and she will be fine, she says I am better at it then her and have had more practice. It's babies that scare her, I have no idea why. After work that day (about 2pm) my dad is picking Lilly and Aidan up at the park so the adults can have fun the rest of the evening. My kids are so short and so chicken that the 4hrs they will be at the park will be more than enough. I am going to try and get them on some rides that they may be scared of, I think if they ride them they will like it.

Our new sectional arrives tomorrow and I am very excited. We bought our current living room set only two years ago, but while I liked it and still do, it hasn't worn well. Plus we have just a couch and a chair, so only 4 people can sit with us. The sectional holds at least 7 very comfortably. It has a chaise on one end, I practically feel asleep in the showroom while I was trying it out. That may be where I sleep this next year :P

Tomorrow is the last day of school for the girls and it's only a half day. I am both happy and sad about the last day. While I am ready to not have to take anyone to and from school every day, I am remembering last year and how horribly Lilly and Aidan fought ALL SUMMER. This year they haven't been fighting as much, but Aidan and Sophia have really picked up where Lilly and Aidan left off. That's one thing that I can't stand, even though my parents say I deserve it. My bro and I fought constantly until after Lilly was born. We never believed them when they told us one day we'd be friends. Damn parental insight.

On another and completely different note, allergies suck. Mine have been extremely bad lately and I don't like it one bit. My eyes water all day and my nose alternates between stuffy and runny. KS is not a good place for allergy sufferers.

The End is Near...

We have very few days left as a two parent household and I? Am terrified. The first month isn't so scary, I am going to be with my in-laws the entire month. The second month scares me a little more, I am not used to sleeping alone in my house and I? Don't like to. I doubt I will sleep much this next year. When school starts is when I will really be a mess. Getting up every weekday at 7am, getting all four kids ready & out the door by 7:50am, having to pick the girls up at 3:15pm every weekday. Girl Scouts, field trips, school functions, sports, all of this scares me to death. I am most worried about losing it on my kids, it happened a couple of times when we were in MA and I am so not proud of those moments. I don't like yelling at them, but sometimes you are just so frustrated you can't even think and the only way to get their attention is to scream. I still don't like myself that way. Before we moved to MA, I NEVER had a moment like that.

As the days fly by I will be growing more and more stressed out and worried. I know I will have my good days and my bad ones, I just hope when it is all over with I will have little to none of those not so proud of myself days.

Losing my Mind

It's not unusual for me to forget, like I forgot Wordless Wednesday...Again. I guess with four kids, two of them having extremely busy schedules, I am entitled to forgetting things now and again. Especially since our calender has only gotten busier as the month winds down. Next week alone they have something on three of the four and a half days of school. Our "city" is being awarded with an All Star City award for the schools National Anthem Project last fall. The kids all made a human flag that looked as if it were waving and sang the National Anthem and other patriotic songs. Then that same day they have the school picnic. Wednesday is Fun in the Sun day (we called it field day in my school), plus Delilah has a doctor appointment, Aidan had an eye appointment that we have rescheduled three times now due to conflicts at school. Thursday is the school skating party and Kale's going away dinner. So that basically sucks ass, I have to convince my mom or Lele to take the girls skating, so we can go to the dinner. I don't think they will mind, but you never know. If not I may be able to get my aunt to take them. Plus we have our last two soccer games this coming week.

This weekend is going to be pretty busy too. Nais and Lele are having their going away/graduation party on Saturday. On Sunday is graduation and Aidan has a riding lesson. Sometime in there my mom and I are finally going to get our mani/pedi, we have been trying (not very hard apparently) for the past two weekends. And Monday Nais leaves to go home to France. So there will be lots of crying. I hate crying, but I can't help that I am a girl.

The year is winding down now. Girl Scouts is officially done until Lilly goes to camp. Soccer will be done next week. School will be done in two weeks (but only 7 full days and 2 half left). They are coming to get Kale's stuff on Monday, he will be done clearing officially on Wednesday. Judy (mil) comes the 4th of June and Kale leaves the 6th. Everything is moving very quickly and I am stressed out so much I have a sore on the roof of my mouth. I even went to bed last night at 7:30pm, I was just so tired. We recently cut caffeine out of our diets and it's killing me. I also am starting to crave ice again, so my iron is probably low again. I guess I better take the stupid pills.

Shopping and Strollers

I used my new Sit N' Stand all weekend and LOVED it. The only downside (it's a small one) is the basket is hard to access with Sophia sitting on the seat buckled in. Now I hope I can get busy and walk everyday it's nice.

Saturday was the Great American Yard Sale here on Fort Leavenworth. It's a post wide yard sale and almost every house sells their crap. People come from 100 mile radius to go to this thing and food vendors even come. It's getting smaller though, every year. It used to be so huge, but I think the hassle of non-decal cars having to be searched before entry on post deters some people now. I know some of the other army posts do yearly yard sales, but from what I hear, most of them are not as large as ours. I have been going to this yard sale yearly since I was a child. My mom used to drag me out of bed at 6am to get up here to "get the good stuff". This year we sold again, like we did last year. I had to get up at 6:30am and you know how much I love that. I had to help Kale drag everything out into the driveway. We made quite a bit of money and I was able to sell TWO of my strollers for $70, so that almost covered the cost of the Sit N' Stand. My mom, Nais, and I walked around a little, but I only bought a book for my FIL and an iron horse/horseshoe wall hanging for Aidan. My mom did get a stand up water dispenser for $25 that was a really good deal.
I am still waiting for a picture before I post about the baseball game. So maybe tomorrow. I forgot my camera, so I used my moms. And I keep forgetting to get her SD card from her.

I also found Sophia the cutest Skechers yesterday! I am not usually fond of characters shoes, but these were done so simply with out a lot of cartooniness, so to speak. I love Sketchers Bikers and she loved them, so we were sold on them. Plus they were on sale @ Jc Penney and I had a coupon for $10 off.

Have a great day!

Needing to Explain

I have no idea why I feel I must explain myself, but I have the overwhelming urge to do so. I am choosing to worry about this stupid picture right now so I don't have a nervous breakdown. Currently, right now, at this moment, I have three big things on my mind I am trying to distract myself from.

1) My grandfather is in the hospital with kidney failure. He's had it once before and they were able to "fix" it, hopefully they can do the same this time. My grandparents were supposed to leave FL for PA this past weekend but now have to stay longer. A big part of my worry is for my grandma, she can't drive anymore, she lost most of her vision (what was left of it) this past winter when she was in the hospital with a brain bleed. So I worry for her in addition to worrying for him.

2) My husbands impending departure. I know he's not going to Iraq and that I will hear that statement I hate. I will constantly hear when I am complaining about him being gone "Well, at least he's not in Iraq." I hated that statement when we were on recruiting duty and I am sure I will hate it just as much when he's in Cuba. We are lucky he's not going, I know that, and I feel so sorry for the ones who are worrying about their family members in the line of fire. So don't get me wrong, I know I am getting the better end of the stick in the deal, but it's all relative. But that being said, it affects my life the same way, just without the added worry. So instead of my life sucking a 9 or 10 on a scale of 1-10, it will suck at a 7 or 8. Not that much different, for me. Now for him it's much better, he's safe, he can work on his college, and he doesn't have all the same emotions he would if he had gone to Iraq.

3) Sex. I worry about this constantly. Not my sex life, but the age kids are having sex keeps getting younger and younger. I have four daughters, the statistics are scary. I think the last time I read one it was like 1 out of 5 girls get pregnant before they are 20. That does not bode well for me. I worry about how am I going to try and get them to wait. I didn't wait, if they count backwards they will know I was not married before I was pregnant. I was however, 18. I have to try and talk to them about all of this and soon. Lilly is almost 9, girls are starting puberty younger and younger. She already has hairy armpits and bad BO, plus lately she has been hormonal as all hell.

Now maybe you can understand why I chose to voice my small worries and why I worry about stupid and/or silly things that I really shouldn't worry at all about. If I let all of these big worries come to the surface at the same time, I might have a mental breakdown. Plus I like to pretend I am big and brave and that nothing in my life is worth worrying about except a stupid picture or that my mil can drive me nutty (like most people's don't).

Club Libby Lu

My mom and I took Lilly, Aidan, and Sophia to use their Libby Lu gift cards (finally) today. They had makeovers, really cute. Lilly and Aidan had it done last summer, but Sophia was too young. This time I decided to try it with her, she was so happy to be a big girl. She is really good, she sits still and doesn't fuss about people doing things to her. We didn't get her ears pierced today though. The teenagers had places to be and homework to do, so maybe next week or if we feel up to it tomorrow.

I keep forgetting to blog about this, but my husband is not going to Iraq anymore. He is now going to Cuba with a report date of June 10th. So he will be safer but nonetheless gone. I won't be as worried about him, but my life will still be a living nightmare for a year. At least half of the summer will be spent in Tennessee with his parents, so I won't be alone with all four for two whole months. We are also trying to get Lilly (my biggest headache) into a Girl Scout sleep away camp, we tried last year and they were all full. Lilly is usually my biggest help and problem all rolled into one child. She is so good at pushing all of her sisters buttons, especially Aidan's. Summertime is always my biggest worry, that's when I think I will go nuts. With June out of the way and my mom is always free in July, she will keep me busy. My mom is one of those people that can't sit still, so most of my summers are spent doing things she plans out for us. Day trips and such. Which is cool with me, because I will do most anything but I don't like to plan it. Mostly because if no one likes it then they can't yell at me for picking out a lame place to go.