Perils of Having So Many Kids

One thing that makes me feel bad having this many kids is not being able to do as much with our older girls. For example(s) I was taking my parents and Lele to the airport and on the way my mom mentioned how she is going to start taking Lilly and Aidan rollerskating once a week this summer. Fine, great, wonderful, they will love it. She had taken them to the school skating party on Thursday and apparently Lilly's friends skated circles around her. Not surprising, she has only been a handful of times. Here's were the guilt comes in, I like to skate, it would probably be good exercise for me, but because we can't do it as an entire family we just don't do it. I feel bad, I was a good skater by her age it's something I feel "normal" children should be doing. I guess I only think it's normal because I did it as a child.

Then she says my dad is going to teach Lilly to ride her bike this summer. This one is Kale's fault. He started to teacher her last year, tried for three days, and quit. I guess I should not have expected much from someone who was 10 before they learned how to ride a two wheeler. I still feel guilty because I was riding a two wheeled bike at 5, "normal" children should be able to ride one before 3rd grade at least! I am glad my dad is going to teach her and maybe he will teach Aidan while he is at it. She should have really good balance from horseback riding. I guess really I feel more embarrassment than guilt, because I should have tried myself to teach them. Hopefully we don't move before my dad has a chance to teach all four of them. I guess this one doesn't have much to do with the amount of children we have, my husband is just to lazy to teach them and I am too self conscious.

One of my other big issues is my inexplicable fear of failure. I have ALWAYS been afraid to fail. If I am not good at something the first or second time I try it, I will quit and never do it again. This is one of the reasons college scares me so much. I mean what if I am not as smart as I think I am? High school was easy, but college will not be, I just know it. I know a lot of my issues are tied to being the oldest child, more is usually expected from the first. The first usually tries harder to please the parents and in my family, it is very true. My brother is so laid back and happy go lucky. Me? I have never been classified as laid back and I am only happy go lucky when I am shitfaced. It has subsided a little since I have become an adult, I think. I still try very hard to please my parents, with the exception of finishing college. I probably ask for my parents opinions on things that really are none of their business, a little too much. I think I am getting better as I get older, at least I hope I am.