Defining Moments in Life

One of these moments happened to Kale and I early into our marriage. Actually less than three months into our marriage this all started to unfold and it wasn't resolved for many months. It involved Kale, myself, and this one ex-girlfriend of his. I knew she had been his ex for years and that they only briefly dated early on in High School and it didn't bother me, at first.

In April of 1999 we headed down to Florida during my spring break. At the time I was working full time as a paraprofessional in an Autistic classroom and going to college full time at night. We were going down to Florida for his parents to throw us a belated wedding shower since they weren't able to attend our small church ceremony. (They did attend our big church ceremony that summer.) This was where I first meet all of my husbands friends and family. A bit overwhelming for someone as shy and reserved as I am.

At the big party I am surrounded by his family and friends, but I am lucky enough to have my best friend from High School there with me. She had moved to Jacksonville just after graduation and we picked her up on our way to Orlando. She was my savior, the only reason I didn't go crazy after this party. The party ended and Kale invites his friends back to his parents to hang out, fine with me. We get to the house and his ex (we'll call her Big B) hijacks him almost as soon as we get there. Big B has MY husband out in her car alone for over an hour. I would have gone completely nuts if A) I wasn't able to see them from the front window, which I could, B) Lesley hadn't been there to take my mind off what was going on, and C) I didn't want to look like a lunatic in front of his family. After he finally comes in this is what he tells me, "Big B felt like you were purposely ignoring her the entire evening." So I say "Well I wasn't, I just in a whole room of 75-100 people I didn't know, all of them wanting to meet and talk to me. So sorry she felt ignored." Him "Well could you go make an effort with her now?" Me "You have got to be f*ing kidding me, NO!" And I go back to my friends and he goes back to his buddies, she leaves and it all blows over. Oh and BTW I was at this time 5mths pregnant.

So we go home, Lilly is born and Big B sends a present. It was a really nice present, from Gap. I really liked it but felt conflicted about Lilly wearing it. In the end she wore it only a few times, then Kale ruined it when he washed something red in warm water with the colored clothes. Life goes on normal and wonderful, until Christmas when we go back to Florida.

Things start out great and wonderful until Big B wants us to come over to her place for dinner. I felt incredibly uncomfortable about this A) I didn't know them very well and there were two couples going to be there besides us, B) I was worried about being left out of all the conversation and in general worried everyone would leave me alone in a room, C) I learned something disturbing about why Big B wasn't thrilled with his choice to marry me. He apparently had been confiding in her during our rough patch when we were dating. I have vaguely told the story about the rough patch here. Basically it was at a time where I was very hormonal, I was pregnant but didn't know it, under tons of stress with my new job, and going to school full time. Everything worked out fine and here we are nine years later still together.

Anyways, so I find out he'd been confiding in her during our rough patch and she hasn't forgiven me for being a bitch. This was over a year after it had happened and we now were married with a child, I felt she should get over it. I was not pleased to learn she had been his confidant and wondered why he didn't confide in a guy friend instead. So we are both mad and we are both stubborn as all hell, but I am his wife and he loves me so I have a leg up on her. I agree to have dinner with her and her boyfriend, but only if we go to a neutral location, a restaurant. She refuses to have dinner with us if it is not on her terms and so I say fine whatever. I also, at first, agree to let Kale take Lilly to meet her. But I quickly change my mind after I learned all the venom she had been spewing about me to his friends and family. Things like "He needs to leave her, she's a bitch." and "I feel so sorry for their baby to have such an awful mom." Yeah, tell me that wouldn't piss you off just a little bit. So I tell him (bawling the whole time) that it hurts me greatly to think SHE would ever be touching my baby. Or that my baby would ever smile at HER.

So I refuse to let him take Lilly and say if he wants to go that is his choice. Not to long after that I change my mind again. I put it all out there right then and there, I hated to do it and it scared me to death to do it. I just knew I couldn't go on living this way year after year, dealing with this same shit every time we came to Florida. So I gave him an ultimatum, it was us or her. He choose us and I am glad he did. His mother is still upset that he never speaks to Big B anymore. And she still brings her up to us almost once a year, I resented it for a long time. Then I found out Kale had never explained to his mother why we cut her out of our lives. The horrible things she said about me.

After Christmas she did make one last attempt to speak to Kale. She sent him an e-mail to our joint account and I received it first. Since it had been almost a year after the Christmas episode I decided to extend an olive branch (if you don't know me, for me this is HUGE, I hold grudges forever) and I e-mailed her gently explaining why I had done what I had done and that if she was willing to accept her part in the whole thing I would make an effort with her. She went off on me in an e-mail to Kale. She told him he should divorce me and take my daughter away from me. That I was obviously an unfit mother who didn't deserve him or Lilly. I will tell you, he was there when I wrote the e-mail to her and he agreed I was being very polite. When he read her e-mail to me, he flipped out, and sent her a scathing e-mail telling her to f*off and leave us alone forever. Telling her that I am a wonderful mother and wife and that she was a horrible friend.

Well after all of that, she has inserted herself back into our lives. Very innocently. She saw on the Edgewater High School bulletin board a post Kale made about not making it to the 10yr reunion (last Sept '07) because Delilah was due to be born. Well she saw the post and e-mailed him. She is now married, has two kids, and feels "very sorry" for the way she treated me all those years ago. I don't care anymore, I don't worry about her anymore. I am secure in my marriage and I know nothing will ever come of her little e-mails to Kale. I am not sure if she really knows what she did or how awful she was to us, but I don't care about her anymore. I am just hoping that my husband knows better than to approach me about "getting together" with Big B and her family while we are in Florida this month.