Wednesday, April 16

I am not sure what to say...

Today after Sophia, Delilah, and I went shopping we stopped off at my mom's school. While we were there I saw Nancy, I used to work as a para in her classroom my first year out of high school. Now, I know this woman, very well. I spent 10mths, 5days a week, 8hrs a day with her, I shouldn't feel uncomfortable around her. I have a huge problem with things like this. I have never been able to carry on a conversation that is not awkward with people I haven't seen in years. This isn't exclusive to people I worked with, I am like that with actual blood relatives.



I didn't know what to say to her or how to talk to her. This is a woman that when I found out I was pregnant I cried when I told her because I knew she was going to be upset I was leaving. It was actually kind of eerie. She came in one day about a week before I found out I was pregnant and told me she had a dream I was leaving the school because I was pregnant. I laughed, then was a little disturbed when I found out it was true. So yeah, I am a big social anxiety mess.



The thing I am dreading most about being alone for a year? The forced socialization I will be doing. Birthday parties, school functions, extra curricular activities all these things scare the hell out of me. I can never really see why anyone would like me or enjoy talking to me. I know, I know low self esteem, it really can't get much lower. This runs deep too, not just since I put on weight. I was like this practically my whole life. I have never felt good enough for anyone. That's not true, I feel like a good enough mother, but I could be even better if I didn't have social issues or weight issues. But honestly I try very hard not to let it show with them, the same way I don't let them know I am terrified of the dentist and shots. That's just the way it should be, me terrified and them none the wiser.

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